the hug

there's a moment that happened during that trip last week that i want to capture because it tells all one needs to know about what i have longed for in life and why i am so deeply saddened (dare i say devastated) by the outcome of said trip.

i had the opportunity to visit with the person who would be my oldest friend my first evening there. we were best friends from first through fifth grade (then my family moved away), and after many, many years apart, we were able to reconnect about five years ago.

the "moment" i referred to at the beginning of this entry occurred when we first greeted one another. we hugged, and it was an embrace that was so full of love, knowing, and acceptance on both our parts that it was very much the experience of what has thus far escaped me in my adult life - a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. we gave each other a similar embrace as we departed and his final words were to the effect that if i were able to move there, i would become a part of his family.

you see, even though apart for many years, my friend knows me. he has seen the earliest parts of my life and the struggles that were inherent in my family dynamics and how they affected me. he knows of the challenges i have had in the interim between our loss of contact and our reconnecting. he knows of my current struggles with deep depression, difficult life events and the ability to hold on to some sense of hopefulness. he knows and he cares deeply about me.

from my time with him, i caught a glimpse of what it would be like to have that kind of loving support so immediately accessible to me (we would literally have been within minutes of one another). given that my next oldest and dearest friend would have been just a few hours to the north, it made me start to believe that maybe, just maybe, i could have a foundation from which to build on, finding my way to a greater sense of wholeness and a belief that i have a place in this world.

and so when i got news of the decision, i realized that i would have to let go of that vision; and, as so often happens with me, the feelings that perhaps i am not meant to be happy in this life have overwhelmed me.

it seems such a small thing to ask - to know love, to belong, to be at home within yourself and the world. a small thing? perhaps. but in my case, it seems as if, to have even the small things is too much to ask.

a single hair

in the story of damocles, the protagonist shares with king dionysus how fortunate that dionysus is to be a king of power and riches. when offered the opportunity to switch places with dionysus, damocles jumps at the chance. as the day arrives and damocles is placed upon the throne, he realizes that dionysus has had a sword placed above the throne held aloft only by a single hair from a horse’s tail. after a time under the precarious position of the sword, damocles pleaded with dionysus to return again to his former state in life. the intention of this illustration was to send a message to damocles and to us that positions of power are precarious ones with potential dangers ever present.

the purpose of my sharing this story is to provide an analogy to how i feel about my own overall sense of hopefulness and well-being. they too feel as if they are constantly in a place of ever present peril. one disappointment or hurtful experience too many and it feels that the horse’s hair will snap and whatever remnants of a positive world outlook that i have in me will be irrevocably sundered from my soul just as surely as the plummeting sword would have cleaved damocles’s skull in two.

i received news today about the outcome of the trip that i went on last week. it was not what i had hoped it would be. i look up and i see that the single hair has started to fray.

pivotal or trivial

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip that has the potential for being a pivotal moment in my life - one that could set a significant new trajectory on the course of my life’s journey. i believe it has the potential for making my life better in every dimension of who i am and aspire to be and to set me on a path of greater wholeness and fulfillment in my life.

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip the result of which could make it as unremarkable as so many that i have taken in the past and will likely embark upon in the future. a trip so trivial that i may only vaguely remember what happened over the course of it if it should even ever come to mind at all. even so, it also has the potential to do so much further damage to my sense of self and well-being that it will take me a very long time to recover.

i took a trip this past week. how it is characterized hinges on a single decision. i wait, i hope, i pray. i fear, i tremble, i hold back my tears. i try to convince myself that all will be well no matter what. i doubt that attempt at self-reassurance even before the thought has completely run itself through my consciousness.

the decision will be rendered and shared soon. watch this space.

soul impact

i mentioned in my last entry that my current job will soon be coming to a close. naturally, this means that i currently am looking for a new means of employment. also, as can be expected, such a search comes with both encouraging and discouraging moments. my current experience is certainly in alignment with said expectation, with my having affirming discussions of interest in my background and body of work and also receiving rejection notifications that have resulted in doubt and disillusionment.

upon receiving one of these rejection communications recently and subsequently falling into a (fortunately brief) depressive episode, i found myself thinking that i wished the affirming moments had as strong an impact on my soul as the ones that are non-affirming. i mean, i can receive a dozen comments that are encouraging, and i’ll feel “ok” maybe even “good.” one reaction that even comes close to being a rejection and i’m figuratively heading for the window to find a good ledge to stand on.

i’ve been through enough years of therapy to know the root of this disproportionate degree of impact. “knowing”  is a good thing i suppose. even so, knowing seems small consolation when i am going through what feels like a soul gutting that tears apart my self-esteem and any optimism for a positive future. sure, i’ve been able to gather back up the shredded pieces and regain some semblance of balance, yet part of me wonders if i’ve been able to collect all of the pieces. have some bits been lost in some corner or crevice never to be seen again? it certainly feels that way as each episode emerges. as i’ve gotten older, it seems like the distance from a sunny landscape to a dark pit of despair has gotten shorter and shorter, and the light in climbing out of the pit has been dimmer and dimmer.

as every chapter of my life’s journey closes and a new one begins, i keep hoping to have what i call the “redemptive experience” (i may have even mentioned this concept previously somewhere in the virtual pages of this blog). the term describes a kind of happening in my life that is so positive, so affirming that it pulls those lost pieces of self-esteem back into my soul, creating a new kind of wholeness that i’ve never experienced, while pushing the pains of my past into those corners and crevices where they perhaps will be remembered but no longer will be affecting.

i keep hoping for that kind of experience. the question is will it find me before there is nothing of me left of me to restore.

it started out so well ....

in the past, when it came to the practice of keeping up this blog, it used to be no news was good news. how i long for those days because the last two years or so, since i last made a post here, my life has not exactly been filled with good news. it's not all been entirely bad, but "good" is definitely not how i would characterize much of it (and it wasn't so peachy before that either).

i guess i should do kind of an "q&a" type of thing to catch up those long time readers (if any of you are still around) on what's transpired over the gap in time. (by the way, after reading the last entry i made, i'm glad i'm posting this new one, just so y'all know i'm still alive and suffering). now, on to the questions. who wants to be first? don't be shy; we're all friends and co-dependents here. ok, miss, thank you for getting us started:

what happened to that job that started out so well but then became a not good thing?
well, i actually ended up leaving that job and returning to the organization that i was at previously for a job that started out so well and then became a not good thing (sensing a pattern here?). in fact, so not a good thing that i will soon be unemployed through no fault of my own; my position was eliminated due to a merger, for which, ironically, i returned to help make happen. the good news is i'm fine with leaving as things are shaping up to be a cluster of major proportion (also not my fault) for the new organization (i use the term "new" loosely as the two organizations seem to be determined to just perpetuate the failings of each, just at a larger scale). the bad news is i won't have a job in a couple of months.

next question? yes, you in the back by the fire extinguisher:

what happened to that guy sean you used to write so much about?
well, as what would likely come as a surprise to no one but me, that friendship appears to have run its course (again, not my fault). i tried my best to keep it going and despite moments of resuscitation, the patient seems to have succumbed to its mortal wounds. i say "not my fault" and yet i've still had to deal with my tendency to internalize and say "what's wrong with me?" fun times have been had by none on that score. i was thinking the other day that i wish i hadn't been so concerned about hurting his feelings during the time when we were actively engaged with one another. it's not that i would have intentionally said or done anything overtly callous or cruel. there's just one thing i wish i had made clearer. it's that, while i valued his friendship, i truly didn't want anything more than that. he always seemed concerned that i did and would make statements about how, because of the various dynamics in his life, he couldn't even consider such a thing. truth be told, i had decided pretty early on that i wasn't interested in in a dating/romantic relationship because i'd determined that i didn't think it would be healthy for me to be in one with him. i still think he's a good guy but that definitely would have been a "no bueno" kind of situation (i mean the friendship was challenging enough). maybe being more up front about that and not worrying about hurting his feelings (because i don't care how many times someone says they're not interested in you, the minute you say back that you feel the same way about them, then all of sudden it becomes, "what do you mean you wouldn't be interested in a relationship with me?"), maybe, things would have turned out differently; maybe not.  anyway, i left it at i still considered him a friend and that i would be there for him if he should ever need me. i've run into him online a few times; it's always pleasant and cordial. i think this particular friendship experience will always bring some sadness to my heart and mind whenever it comes to mind. it's a shame really, because it started out so well (hmm ....).

another question? yes, the gentleman in the middle row, who is politely laughing at my vain attempts at humor:

so did you ever start dating again?
as a matter of fact, yes, i did. i saw one guy for about six weeks before i moved and then was in a relationship with a really nice guy for a year after i moved back here. in fact, we just broke up a couple of months ago and, yet again, so not my fault (unless you want to call being true to yourself creating a problem. by the way, i'm really not one to shirk accountability. i'm really not). as he sat down with me and delivered the "this is not working" address, he pointed out that our differences were greater than the areas in which we were compatible and that it didn't make sense to continue as boyfriends. i didn't disagree. the timing could have been a little better as it was one week after i found out my job was being eliminated. still, is there ever really a good time to break up with someone (actually, yes, yes there is and that wasn't it)? we're still friends and roommates. he's planning on moving out of state soon as i hope to do as well since there's nothing  really to keep me here. you know, it all started out so well .... (double hmmm, well at least now i know what title to give to this entry; i just hope they're not saying the same thing when they're thinking about what to put as my epitaph).

i think we have time for one more question. ok, you sir, the one with the great hair and dazzling smile that's been distracting me this whole time

so with all of this, how have you been doing and where do you go from here?
ok, that's an easy one. not great and hell if i know. i guess we'll have to keep reading this thing to find out.

i had a moment

i had a moment this past week. i was reflecting back on a difficult therapy session and wondered, as i had at times in the recent past, if maybe killing myself would be easier than continuing to endure the emotional pain that currently fills my life.

i then had a sense of peace about the idea - a reaction i had never had before.

then i became afraid and wondered, "is this how it starts?"

almost paradoxical

i believe the best compliment i've ever received in my life occurred during my senior year in college. it was during a senior retreat, and i was with a group of people that i had traveled together closely with through the college experience for the previous four years. we were seated in a circle and charged with giving "affirmations" to one another with each person taking a seat in the center of the circle and then all of the others each sharing a single positive trait about the person.

when it was my turn, i listened to some very nice comments but one stood out. when it got to a girl named laura, she made a statement that has stayed with me to this day. she said something to the effect of, "if you're ever having a day when you're feeling down about yourself, you should talk to clarus; he will make you feel so good about who you are."

i care about my friends, and to the best of my ability, i do try to provide support and encouragement to them.

recently, i've had opportunities to be that encourager (at least i hope i have been) to a few young guys whose life paths have crossed with my own. whatever form the support has taken, i've come to recognize that my motivation is to provide them with the sense that there is at least one person in this world who cares about them unconditionally. that no matter what else is happening to them, they are valued, and yes, i'd even say loved.

there is one thing though that is almost paradoxical about this desire to be an encourager, and that is this. the one person i seem to be unable to encourage is myself.