an equally powerful sadness

 i'm not sure i've ever shared on here that i lost my virginity fairly late in life and certainly significantly later than my peers. as a result, i spent much of my early adult years dealing with this acute longing for physical intimacy. this longing was often accompanied by a deep sadness as I questioned if would ever have that experience in my life. 

i think i have shared before that, for me, sex is something that needs to be experienced in the context of some relationship. i'm not saying it has to be within a strictly, monogamous relationship, but there does need to be some history, connection and a certain kind of commitment that comes with at least a good friendship. i've had one encounter where this was not the case, and the experience was so profoundly empty that i've chosen not to repeat it again.

and now, with some five years since my last relationship i've come to learn that there is an equally powerful sadness to the one i experienced in my virginal 20's, and that is finding oneself wondering if you will ever have the experience of physical intimacy again. with prospects seeming dim as i age and my issues with depression and anxiety causing greater isolation on my part, i find it difficult to believe that the answer to my wondering is an affirmative one. and i know that many people my age will go the rest of their lives without the pleasures that accompany having a lover. i know that to be true. i just  really wish i didn't have to be one of them.

the experience of otherness

when you're visiting home for the holidays and that visit takes place, not where you grew up, but where your  parent retired, you find yourself with a lot of time on your hands. and if you're someone like me, that time is often spent doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on life. during one such reflective moment, I was thinking about how in so many places i've lived, in so many situations, i have been the "other" in that environment. whether by virtue of race or religion or sexual orientation or family dynamics or mental health or point of view or value system, i've always been different from the majority of the individuals around me. and it got me wondering, "what are the cumulative effects of always being the 'different one' -- the one, as the old sesame street song goes, that 'is not like the others'?"

well, i think the short answer is, no matter where you are,  you always feel like you never quite belong; or conversely, you find yourself constantly searching for a place that you do feel a sense of belonging. so many of the reflections in this blog find their root in expressing or exploring this feeling of alienation in the world. and i have to admit, after all of these years, that i am finding myself weary from the experience of otherness. 

now mind you, seeking a place one belongs is entirely different from trying to fit in. i have long since ceased any attempts of doing that (to the degree that i ever really did), recognizing that when so many of your differences are rooted in certain immutable characteristics, the best path is to embrace who you are and hope to find others who will do the same. even so, while it may be the best path, in my experience, it has also tended to be a very lonely one -- a state of being that i'm now fearing that i have lost any hope will ever change.

this

one day during the just passed end of the year holiday season, i found myself on this blog, reading several past entries. doing so rekindled a desire to start writing again (something i unsuccessfully committed to at one point last year), and since that time, i've jotted down ideas for a few entries, but none seemed to be the right one for my re-entry into this space.

tonight, i was in the bathtub, rereading one of the graphic novels in my ever growing collection of yaoi manga (something to reflect on in another entry perhaps), and i read this statement from one of the protagonists,

i've tried not to think about the things i want but can't have. life is just a bunch of events that go nowhere. somewhere, i gave up. i've just been existing.

this. this declaration captures perfectly where i find myself in life at this time. and this is how i will start again to share my experiences here.

tyler childers - in your love (official video)

looks like a two "sharing" post day.

more than medals - nathan chen

the fact that this matter is still unresolved is a black mark on the olympic movement and fair sportsmanship.

once more into the breach

i recently completed one of those assessments that tell you what your strengths are. as part of the process, the report that explains your strengths provides ideas of actions one can take "to maximize your potential." For one of my strengths, the encouragement was to "take time to write." when i read that, i immediately thought of this blog and well, with a quick update of the layout theme, i'm giving it (yet) another go of attempting to write regularly in this online journal (i'm happy to see blogger hasn't evicted me for abandonment of property).

so i guess i should start with an update on the latest for me. well, i still haven't found a permanent job though i've come close a few times. i am, however, working. i'm doing a consulting gig with an organization in the southeast, so yes, i find myself (yet) again in a new city, wondering when my life will ever settle down, when will i find "home." the experience though has been a good one as it's allowed me to do the type of work that ii really enjoy doing with a great team of people. it's just good to be doing some productive again.

at the same time, i've been recently reminded of some long past hurts that based on the depressive episode that the memories have triggered, i am definitely not quite healed. it started with an encounter with a guy i was interacting with through social media, which took an unfortunate turn, and then led to the recollection of the number of similar experiences that i've had -- sean and bobby being the most significant of those (but there are others). this then led me to remembrances of my failure in relationships from the "real world" -- michael and jonathan being the most significant of those (but, alas, there are others). and from it all i've realized that i still want intimate relationship in my life though have no clue how to make it happen and a growing doubt that as my time on this planet continues to lengthen, i will ever experience the meaningful companionship i desire. and so i'm doing my best to manage through yet another a mental health quagmire.

so, as you can see, not much has changed with me. so how have you been?

unwanted reprise

it is a feeling that has haunted me much of my life. it is a feeling that used to be isolated to my "personal" life, but now, with the the struggles to find a permanent job role over the past two plus years, it has consumed my "professional" life as well. and with this consumption, it now feels that there is no aspect of my life in which i feel well or welcome in this world. it has been the darkest period of my life -- one in which i have never felt more alone or forgotten, never more unwanted.