what we fear the most

Nigel recently came for a visit. It was a greatly appreciated time together for both of us particularly since it almost didn't happen. Up to a few hours before his flight left, neither of us were sure if he was actually going to get on the plane to come out here. You see, Nigel is deathly afraid (just shy of phobic) about flying. So much so that in his 43 years of life, he's only been on a plane a handful of times. On top of that, the upcoming (now past) trip was going to be the first time he had ever flown alone. So there was significant terror going on, but fortunately and admirably, he rose above it and made his way here and back home safely.

Fear is an interesting emotion. It is certainly a natural and, at times, necessary feeling. It warns us of when we're confronting a potentially dangerous or harmful situation and can put our senses on alert so that we can engage the situation in as careful a manner as possible. Often, specifically when we allow it to control us rather than alert us, fear, itself, is more harmful than the situation that may evoke it. Cue FDR.

I find it interesting that many people think that hate (another small word with big impact) is the most dangerous emotion on the planet when it is really fear that is at the root of so many of the ills that have plagued human kind. Think of an -ism and fear is smack in the middle of it -- racism, terrorism, sexism, anti-semitism and so forth all stemming from an irrational fear of the differences between people -- a fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt can cause us to destroy the most beneficial of relationships and fear of being alone can keep us in the most destructive. And most dangerously, at least to me, the fear of what might happen can keep us from experiencing all that is possible. It can even keep us separated from the ones we love, if we let it.

So when it comes to fear, it's best to remember that it is an emotion that is meant to serve us and not the other way around.

some news (that's not really)

It appears that some long speculated information will soon be confirmed by a popular magazine. A surprise for some but not so much for others. All I have to say is "told you so."

crying wolfe?

Today is my first full day back home after spending this last weekend at my other home with Nigel and a couple of days at a conference for work. The time back in St. Louis was nice. Nigel was very sweet and so attentive. As difficult as our discourse was a few weeks ago, I am really glad that time of brutal honesty happened. I think it really woke the both of us up to where we had allowed the relationship to drift and that some definite corrective action was required. So the first thing we've committed to doing is really sharing how we're feeling and not holding back. It's a start.

As nice a time as I had with Nigel, I can't exactly say that it was great being back in the area or even really in the house. There was such a sadness that seemed to pervade particularly our home that I kept speculating on what was the cause. I mean it was palpable and I wondered if it was a reflection of the many difficult days and nights that I had spent in those rooms, questioning if I would ever be happy in all the facets of my life. Does a house absorb emotion into the walls like a dry sponge takes in water? And so, as much as I wished I could remain with Nigel, I can't say that I was sorry to leave St. Louis.

So maybe Thomas Wolfe was right but the stranger thing is with this latest relocation I'm beginning to wonder where exactly home is. Still, drawing from another old saying, if home is where the heart is then maybe for me home is actually now a person rather than a particular place and if that is indeed the case then for the first time since I've moved I can say that I do miss home.

the day I've had

New jobs are always an interesting experiencing, particularly when you've had several "new job experiences" under your belt. I am now moving out of the introductory phase of my newness to the I'm now ready to get some work out there. It's in this phase that I'm realizing one encounters the "real organization" that one is working for. During the introductory phase, you experience the "marketed organization" which I define as essentially the organization that is presented in the glossy brochures, the slick commercials, the information passed on to you by the recruitier and shared by all of the folks you interviewed with. Every now and then, some one may slip a little reality in there, but for the most part, they are still selling you the organization as they would like people to see it.

Then comes the opportunity to put your first bit of work out there and you begin to see not only the real organization but how well aligned you actually are with the actual culture. Now to be fair, sometimes the "marketed" and "real" may be very close to one another. Other times, they may be so far apart that you have an encounter that makes you want to run outside the building to double check the building signage, confirming that you did indeed enter the organization that you thought you did.

My experience today wasn't quite that drastic, but it was a little jarring. It basically involved my trying to get a discussion going on how our department should approach a given project and there seemed to be varied degrees of understanding related to what I was saying. From the "oh, of course," to the "whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?" I think what was surprising is that the former reaction came from the most "junior" member of the group and the latter from one of the most "senior" who has responsibility for a key element of our operations. So it was a "if you're not getting this conceptually then we may have some more serious issues to deal with before we even begin talking about how we're actually going to do the work."

I've been here before in other jobs and I would say the one thing I've got going for me is that my boss emphatically gets it and will be doing her part to ensure that the others get it or get out of the way. Still, it always makes for a fun day when you have these kind of occurrences. I'm sure there will be more to come and definitely more to share.

so not a class act

So with one decision Senator John McCain demonstrates that his main concern is becoming President at all costs. If that means he has to pimp out some D-list Governor (and former beauty pageant contestant) to do so then so be it. Anyone who was a Clinton supporter that would view the presence of Sarah Palin as an acceptable (even tolerable) substitute either hasn't been paying attention to what Hillary Clinton has been doing for her entire career or has had a complete lobotomy between primary season and now (or both).

There was a time that I thought McCain would be a tolerable alternative, and I was pleasantly surprised he emerged as the winner in the GOP primaries. Well, that time officially ended with his VP pick (though his steady abandonment of any and all scruples as he persistently has tried to kiss up to the radical right certainly has eroded any good will he might have generated over the past eight years). Now, I couldn't imagine a man that I would want less in the office of President than Mr. McCain. However, there is certainly one woman that I could . . . .

such a class act

I just finished watching Hillary Clinton's speech from the Democratic National Convention. Yes, I'm aware that it is the day after the speech, but now that I'm on Eastern Standard Time, I find it impossible to stay up past 10 p.m. and be fresh for work the next day. Therefore, I've employed my good friend Tivo to allow me to experience the convention, albeit with a time delay. Now back to the speech.

Thank you Sen. Clinton for showing the world why 18 million of us supported you through the Presidential primary process and why we know our nation would be privileged to have you serve as our President. I had no fears or concerns that she would not do everything she could to rally the party to support our eventual nominee, Barack Obama. However, I think she did even more than that.

She reminded people that this election is not about the candidates, it is about us, as in we the American people. It is about believing again that our government is here to serve us and to work on our behalf -- our as in broadly defined and inclusive of all our citizenry, not narrowly as in the privileged few, appealing only to special interests.

It is my sincere prayer that people really listened this time to not only the masterful speech given by Hillary, but the outstanding one delivered by Michelle Obama as well (now wouldn't that be a great ticket for the future). Stop listening to the party of McCain that appeals to your fears and prejudices and embrace the hope and vision for a better America that comes in the person of Barack Obama. Last I heard, "leadership" involves someone who inspires and motivates. America needs serious leadership for a serious time and seriously there's only one choice and it ain't the senator from Arizona.

even the dmv knows me

I was walking out to the parking lot after a successful shopping day (a sports jacket and tie from Macy's, a pair of pants from Banana Republic, four pairs of shoes from DSW, a new vacuum cleaner and assorted toiletries from Target, some magazines from Borders, and a DVD from Best Buy -- it was a fun day) and I noticed that my new license plate has the letter "Y" repeated twice in succession. So it's "digit, digit, Y, Y, digit, digit."

Immediately, I'm struck by the realization of how appropriate that is, for like a three year old that has just discovered the interrogative, I am constantly questioning the meaning of this thing we call life. From the smallest matter (why are there so many different types of laundry detergents?) to the largest (why do people hate other people because of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.?), I am pondering the elements of our existence. -- sometimes to the point of exhaustion.

Now, I have a car that shares that fact with the world.