displaced

Today's activities have me in a strange mood. The backstory is a wee bit complicated, but essentially, because of work that is going to be done in the office area I currently work in, I have to move to another office for an indeterminate amount of time. So I've spent a good part of the day packing up my office and moving its contents to the temporary space. As I moved the last box, I don't know, this wave of sadness just came over me with the thought, "will I ever be settled?"

Peeling away the layers I can see from whence these feelings come. On the first layer, there is the obvious situation that when I first came to this job, I was in a temporary office for about three weeks because my current office was not ready. Now, after just getting my feet under me, I'm moving again with no definite date of return.

Next, you go to the fact that I'm currently renting a furnished house from people that I know would like to sell it someday, so it really feels like I'm living in someone else's home and I have no way of being sure for how long. It also doesn't help that in the haste of my move, I left a good portion of my own stuff behind, in a house that I co-own but will never live in again.

I've broken off a relationship that I was hoping to be a lifelong one and was my "home" for seven years. And I wonder if I will be able to not only find my way to another serious relationship but, even if I should, I question if I will be able to have any better success with the next one than I did the last.

Then, ultimately at the core of my identity has long been this sense of being out of place; a feeling that I know is not unique to me but exists in me nevertheless.

It's strange because I really like where I live and work and basically where life has brought me. I just also know there continues to be this nagging question of when, if ever, will I feel at home?

it just keeps getting "better"

So now the Pope decides to make us public enemy number one (again). I think this means that I'm officially done (click on title to link to my Subjectively Disordered: A Faith Life in Neutral entries on the old blog for more insight to this reference).

I was sent a helpful commentary on this issue from the Guardian, a UK newspaper. You can access it directly here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/dec/23/pope-benedict-xvi-gayrights.

Though well expressed my only slight rebuttal is that whether we like it or not the Pope still influences millions of people. Many of those people vote on things like Prop. 8 in California. Even more unfortunately (at least to me), they also react to their gay children with rejection and condemnation. It's commentary like the pontiff's that justify and I would submit even motivates their actions.

Perhaps on this day of celebration of a new light entering the world, it would be best to remember one of my favorite verses from Scripture, John 1:5 "and the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it."

Peace to all this Christmas Day.

an open letter to the president-elect

I've been sitting on this note for awhile. I wrote it shortly after the announcement that Pastor Rick Warren had been invited to give the invocation at the inauguration of Barack Obama. I had hoped to be able to send it to the transition offices but have not been able to find an e-mail address, so just thought I'd post it here. Feel free to share and if you know how to get this to the Obama folks please send it with my regards.

I am writing, as I am sure so many others have probably done so before me, to express my deep disappointment in the selection of Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at President Obama's inauguration. As an African-American gay man, I feel personally wounded that the President-elect would deem it acceptable to give such an honorable position to someone who would be an opponent to the civil rights of any group in our society. I am aware that the President-elect does not support gay marriage. I respectfully disagree with him on his view on the matter and choose to believe that his opposition is not grounded in misguided bigotry about the place of gays and lesbians in our society. The same belief cannot be extended to Pastor Warren. His equating permitting gay unions to legalizing pedophilia indicates a sadly uninformed view of the GLBT community and, for all his purported tolerance, ultimately a denial of our basic shared humanity. What I do hope is that someday the President-elect will recognize that this issue has deep resonance in the GLBT community and that choices like this one seem to indicate a trivialization on his part of not only this matter but really of our entire movement toward equality.

I had originally intended to take the day of Inauguration off to enjoy the day's events on television. I will not be doing so at this point. Though I am still pleased with the election of Mr. Obama, I no longer feel the same sense of celebration that I once did about the inaugural event itself. Perhaps it is contemplating the Warren selection on the same day that I wake to hear on my local NPR station that my own country has refused to sign a UN resolution calling for the decriminalization of homosexuality that has me in such a dour mood.

I recognize that the President-elect's selection is intended to display some sign of inclusion of diverse opinions. I just find it interesting that he chose to recognize to include someone whose discriminatory viewpoints do not impact him directly. Where, for example, is the prominent placement of an avowed segregationist who opposes equal inclusion of people of color in our society? I recognize that denigration of people by race is no longer in vogue as is still the case with those of us in the GLBT community, but I'm sure if the transition had searched a little harder you could have found someone.

In closing, I would not presume to tell the President-elect who he can have perform the invocation at his inauguration, and therefore, am not requesting a rescinding of the invitation to Pastor Warren as I'm sure others have. I merely wish to share that how the decision has affected me personally. My prayers will continue to be for the President's every success in fulfilling the responsibilities of his office. Thank you for your attention to my correspondence.

Sincerely,
Clarus65

exhale

So history has been made and a new, hopeful course will soon be charted for our nation. I've placed a link in the title that goes to a You Tube clip of a song that expresses exactly how I'm feeling now after eight long, dark years. It is a brand new day.

Here are the lyrics:

Everybody look around
'Cause there's a reason to rejoice you see
Everybody come out
And let's commence to singing joyfully
Everybody look up
And feel the hope that we've been waiting for

Everybody's glad
Because our silent fear and dread is gone
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness

Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness
Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

wondering

The thing about the ending of a relationship, at least what I'm coming to discover, is all of the questions that begin coming to mind. For Nigel, the questions seem to be "what went wrong?", "what can be done to salvage this?", and "is there any possibility that I would reconsider?" For me the questions seem to center on "how did I end up in such a dysfunctional relationship?", "why did I not pay attention to any of the warning signs?" and "why did I stay in it for so long?"

Actually, there are two questions that have risen to the surface and continue to roll around the surface of my cerebrum, "am I really well-suited for a live-in, intimate relationship," and even if the answer to that is "yes," "how do I know that I won't make the same mistakes all over again?"

Needless to write that this hasn't exactly been the easiest of weeks. What am I doing? Well, there's another one.

to love again

So last night's conversation with Nigel continued with variations on the same basic themes. Why was I doing this? He thought we were happy. What had he done wrong? I must really hate him to do this. The interesting thing is that each time we've talked I've found myself being clearer and more articulate about what is going on.

Last night we finally hit upon the thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not well-suited for that level of relationship. I know I got through on that one, because Nigel asked in response, "Are you saying that you don't think you want to be in a relationship with anyone?" When I responded that that observation might indeed be true, he was pretty incredulous. He could not believe that anyone would actually choose to be single. The other reason I know we finally hit on an idea central to the break-up is that my reaction to him was pretty strong as well. I found my voice going up a few decibels when I exclaimed (perhaps slightly ranted), "Why is that so hard to believe? Who says that we have to go through life paired off; that somehow being single is somehow abnormal -- that you can't have a fulfilled life if you're on your own. Maybe some people just aren't meant for relationships."

Now, the irony of all of this is that later in the conversation, Nigel shares that, as a result of our relationship ending, he doesn't think that he can possibly enter into another one because of the potential hurt. He also asked me how he will ever be able to trust someone again. I don't think I really had an adequate response for either comment. All I could say is that it was natural to feel that way now, but eventually that would change.

Now, another irony is that this is my first break-up ever and Nigel has had a few relationships that had ended before this one. True, none of them was for as long or as serious, but still, shouldn't he be the positions be reversed on this one? Shouldn't he be telling me that maybe one day I will feel differently about relationships? That may be true, but I think we're in the same boat on this one. I think it would take something extraordinary happening for me to find myself sharing a life to this extent with someone else.

In my case I don't think it's about being afraid of being hurt. I think I'm more concerned of losing my way, losing my sense of self in a relationship again. I let go of so many things that were central to my identity, all for the sake of preserving a relationship that at its core was very unhealthy. Not a good choice. The thing is people don't come with "completely dysfunctional, avoid intimate relationship with at all costs" stamped on their foreheads. Discovering that as with losing oneself (at least in my case) happens slowly over time, and, before you know it, you've gone from sailing away on the Love Boat to "is there a life preserver up in here?"

I've been in kind of a fog of sadness this morning, hence the reason I'm writing this blog entry. What also sparked this entry was something I read moments ago. The management team that I'm a part of is reading this book called Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges to help us with the cultural shift we are attempting to make in our own area of work. So, in my gloom, I sit down and open up to today's chapter, which interestingly enough is entitled "How to Get People to Let Go." These are the first words I read:

Before you can begin something new, you have to end what used to be. Before you can learn a new way of doing things, you have to unlearn the old way. Before you can become a different kind of person, you must let go of your old identity. So beginnings depend on endings.

Then, in the margins on the next page is another interesting quote attributed to a French writer named Anatole France, which, by the way, seems like such an odd last name for someone who is French. Anyway, Msr. French states, "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."

Food for thought, even for someone like me, who, lately, hasn't had much of an appetite.

party of one

So I guess it's done. An evening discussion. A sharing of hearts. Confusion, disbelief, disconnect -- two people in very different places with very different perspectives on what is left of a relationship. A teary pledge to try to remain friends. An honest declaration that if it is not possible we will understand. What was one becomes two; what was two is now one. Heavy in heart I move forward weary but hopeful that life has more joys in store for me and for him. Truly a page has turned.