new year, new intentions

As difficult as it is for me to believe, I find myself typing this quick message on the third day of the beginning of the second decade of the twenty-first century. I think what is telling for me is that for only the second time in probably the last decade, I am starting out the new year with actually feeling good about my life. Rather than looking forward to the year to come with hopes that life will get better, I instead am grateful that life has been as good as it has and pray that it only gets better.

Continuing with a trend I started last year, I haven't made any resolutions, though I do have certain "intentions" that I will look to guide me in the year ahead. As seems to be a habit at the outset of every new year, whatever I call it, I want to continue to get better in the area of fiscal responsibility. I have improved in that area, but I still have further to go, and am hoping 2010 will be my real breakthrough year.

For my next intention, after about 14 months of single life, I am contemplating whether or not to enter the dating pool. Having no clue as to how to go about it, I am thinking of using one of those online matching services (and strangely enough, an advertisement for the very service I'm thinking of using just came on the telly; a sign perhaps?). To do so though, I need to overcome the fatalistic perspective I still seem to have about relationships in general. I want to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, that love conquers all, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, but the reality is that my last experience in love has left me a bit jaded. Still, I know that using my last and sole experience in relationship as a guide to what all relationships are like would be a big mistake. Hopefully, I've learned a few things that can make the next committed relationship a better, lasting one.

My last intention is to really ramp up my performance at work. I've had a successful first year but really want to have my work be more "impactful" in the next year. With a new staff member on the way, a more consistent work ethic, and greater focus, I believe it's possible.

Here's to 2010 and new intentions becoming new realities.

new york

It's early Monday evening, and I'm lying on my bed, relaxing just being two hours back from a busy long weekend in the city of my birth New York. As with every visit to what I consider to be the greatest city on the planet, I had a wonderful time. On Friday, I got to spend time with my dear friend Rachel, followed by a sumptuous dinner that we had with one of my two travel buddies Thomas. The three of us then met up with the other traveling amigo Dennis to see this year's Tony winner for Best Play "God of Carnage" (just amazing performances by the four leads in a powerfully constructed play).

Saturday was time on my own, so I took in a couple of movies (Humpday and Valentino: The Last Emperor). I met Dennis for a nice quiet dinner and then went off on my own to see another terrific play "Next Fall" (do not miss this if you have a chance to see it before its run ends in early August). The night was closed out by meeting the guys and Thomas's new beau Lawrence at a bar for (yelled) conversation and listening to the brave souls who partook in karoake.

Sunday was a trip for us three guys (Lawrence having returned home early that morning) out to the new Yankee Stadium. It was Old Timers' Day and I have to admit for this only casual baseball fan, it was pretty special being witness to all that history. Thomas and I only stayed for part of the actual game that followed the old timers' game, but we all met up again at a Mexican restaurant in the Village later that night. I had such a great time that on the way back to the hotel I commented to Dennis that unlike my usual feeling at the end of a vacation, when I'm dying to get home, I actually wouldn't have minded staying a couple more days.

Then it was up early this morning for the train rides back home (subway to Amtrak to commuter rail). For all of the fun I know I'll remember this weekend for, I wonder if I'll also remember it for something else? Perhaps that's why I'm writing this blog entry after so many months, because I want to remember it for being more. For all of the fun, this was also an emotionally full, for lack of a better term, weekend as well.

I guess that aspect of the weekend started with my listening to my voice mail messages on the train ride down. Nigel had left a message wishing me a fun time in the city and wondering if I'd pick up a little souvenir for him. It's amazing how a simple thing like a voice mail can unleash so much feeling. For whatever reason, hearing his voice went right to that old place of deep love and affection that I have for him. It's happened a couple of times over the last several months and each time it surprises me that that feeling is there. Despite the break-up and my fully believing that it is the best thing for me, the love continues.

Then again, there is also this deep pain that is co-mingled with the deep love. I have experiences like this vacation, and I realize that for the first time in years, I am actually enjoying my vacations. There would be so many painful and sometimes scary events that would happen with Nigel on vacations that I can't think of a one without wanting to shed a tear (or punch my fist through a wall in frustration).

I guess in the months since the break-up, I have come to a place that I look at the situation with a bittersweet regret. The regret is not that we broke up, but more that I fell in love with a man with whom I could not possibly hope to have a whole, healthy, fulfilling relationship. There was just too much brokenness to make that even remotely possible. I see that with my head and even with most of my heart, but something still lingers -- both love and pain.

And then, me being me, I can't just leave it with reflections on the past. I have to also start wondering about and questioning the future. I wonder "will I get a second chance at love (or is that a first chance at real love)?" I question, "is it possible that I will actually be able to have the kind of loving relationship that led me to trying with Nigel in the first place? Am I even capable of choosing the right person or of sustaining that kind of relationship?" "Is that person even out there? And if he is, what makes me think he will choose me? Is it even possible to be happy in a relationship?" So is this the legacy of my time with Michael -- that I think that relationship means great love and great pain but no true joy?

It's just strange. I am happier than I have been at any point in my adult life. Yet, there are these waves of sadness and loneliness that will come over me -- kind of like clouds that momentarily block the sun on an otherwise brilliantly bright day. Even though the clouds do pass, the shade they cast is definitely chilling.

I know, someplace in my soul, that I need to try my best to dwell in the realms of possibility and gratitude, realizing that behind the clouds the sun is still shining. It just seems at this moment, it's a little harder to get to that place than usual.

displaced

Today's activities have me in a strange mood. The backstory is a wee bit complicated, but essentially, because of work that is going to be done in the office area I currently work in, I have to move to another office for an indeterminate amount of time. So I've spent a good part of the day packing up my office and moving its contents to the temporary space. As I moved the last box, I don't know, this wave of sadness just came over me with the thought, "will I ever be settled?"

Peeling away the layers I can see from whence these feelings come. On the first layer, there is the obvious situation that when I first came to this job, I was in a temporary office for about three weeks because my current office was not ready. Now, after just getting my feet under me, I'm moving again with no definite date of return.

Next, you go to the fact that I'm currently renting a furnished house from people that I know would like to sell it someday, so it really feels like I'm living in someone else's home and I have no way of being sure for how long. It also doesn't help that in the haste of my move, I left a good portion of my own stuff behind, in a house that I co-own but will never live in again.

I've broken off a relationship that I was hoping to be a lifelong one and was my "home" for seven years. And I wonder if I will be able to not only find my way to another serious relationship but, even if I should, I question if I will be able to have any better success with the next one than I did the last.

Then, ultimately at the core of my identity has long been this sense of being out of place; a feeling that I know is not unique to me but exists in me nevertheless.

It's strange because I really like where I live and work and basically where life has brought me. I just also know there continues to be this nagging question of when, if ever, will I feel at home?

it just keeps getting "better"

So now the Pope decides to make us public enemy number one (again). I think this means that I'm officially done (click on title to link to my Subjectively Disordered: A Faith Life in Neutral entries on the old blog for more insight to this reference).

I was sent a helpful commentary on this issue from the Guardian, a UK newspaper. You can access it directly here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/dec/23/pope-benedict-xvi-gayrights.

Though well expressed my only slight rebuttal is that whether we like it or not the Pope still influences millions of people. Many of those people vote on things like Prop. 8 in California. Even more unfortunately (at least to me), they also react to their gay children with rejection and condemnation. It's commentary like the pontiff's that justify and I would submit even motivates their actions.

Perhaps on this day of celebration of a new light entering the world, it would be best to remember one of my favorite verses from Scripture, John 1:5 "and the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it."

Peace to all this Christmas Day.

an open letter to the president-elect

I've been sitting on this note for awhile. I wrote it shortly after the announcement that Pastor Rick Warren had been invited to give the invocation at the inauguration of Barack Obama. I had hoped to be able to send it to the transition offices but have not been able to find an e-mail address, so just thought I'd post it here. Feel free to share and if you know how to get this to the Obama folks please send it with my regards.

I am writing, as I am sure so many others have probably done so before me, to express my deep disappointment in the selection of Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at President Obama's inauguration. As an African-American gay man, I feel personally wounded that the President-elect would deem it acceptable to give such an honorable position to someone who would be an opponent to the civil rights of any group in our society. I am aware that the President-elect does not support gay marriage. I respectfully disagree with him on his view on the matter and choose to believe that his opposition is not grounded in misguided bigotry about the place of gays and lesbians in our society. The same belief cannot be extended to Pastor Warren. His equating permitting gay unions to legalizing pedophilia indicates a sadly uninformed view of the GLBT community and, for all his purported tolerance, ultimately a denial of our basic shared humanity. What I do hope is that someday the President-elect will recognize that this issue has deep resonance in the GLBT community and that choices like this one seem to indicate a trivialization on his part of not only this matter but really of our entire movement toward equality.

I had originally intended to take the day of Inauguration off to enjoy the day's events on television. I will not be doing so at this point. Though I am still pleased with the election of Mr. Obama, I no longer feel the same sense of celebration that I once did about the inaugural event itself. Perhaps it is contemplating the Warren selection on the same day that I wake to hear on my local NPR station that my own country has refused to sign a UN resolution calling for the decriminalization of homosexuality that has me in such a dour mood.

I recognize that the President-elect's selection is intended to display some sign of inclusion of diverse opinions. I just find it interesting that he chose to recognize to include someone whose discriminatory viewpoints do not impact him directly. Where, for example, is the prominent placement of an avowed segregationist who opposes equal inclusion of people of color in our society? I recognize that denigration of people by race is no longer in vogue as is still the case with those of us in the GLBT community, but I'm sure if the transition had searched a little harder you could have found someone.

In closing, I would not presume to tell the President-elect who he can have perform the invocation at his inauguration, and therefore, am not requesting a rescinding of the invitation to Pastor Warren as I'm sure others have. I merely wish to share that how the decision has affected me personally. My prayers will continue to be for the President's every success in fulfilling the responsibilities of his office. Thank you for your attention to my correspondence.

Sincerely,
Clarus65

exhale

So history has been made and a new, hopeful course will soon be charted for our nation. I've placed a link in the title that goes to a You Tube clip of a song that expresses exactly how I'm feeling now after eight long, dark years. It is a brand new day.

Here are the lyrics:

Everybody look around
'Cause there's a reason to rejoice you see
Everybody come out
And let's commence to singing joyfully
Everybody look up
And feel the hope that we've been waiting for

Everybody's glad
Because our silent fear and dread is gone
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness

Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad
Because the sun is shining just for us
Everybody wake up
Into the morning into happiness
Hello world
It's like a different way of living now
And thank you world
We always knew that we'd be free somehow
In harmony
And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change
For us to live so independently
Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully
Just look about
You owe it to yourself to check it out
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

wondering

The thing about the ending of a relationship, at least what I'm coming to discover, is all of the questions that begin coming to mind. For Nigel, the questions seem to be "what went wrong?", "what can be done to salvage this?", and "is there any possibility that I would reconsider?" For me the questions seem to center on "how did I end up in such a dysfunctional relationship?", "why did I not pay attention to any of the warning signs?" and "why did I stay in it for so long?"

Actually, there are two questions that have risen to the surface and continue to roll around the surface of my cerebrum, "am I really well-suited for a live-in, intimate relationship," and even if the answer to that is "yes," "how do I know that I won't make the same mistakes all over again?"

Needless to write that this hasn't exactly been the easiest of weeks. What am I doing? Well, there's another one.