that other song

so a few days ago, i was thinking about my preparations for moving and thought that maybe, as i headed out west, i would stop by the house and pick up a few personal items. this in turn got me thinking about my ex and feelings of loneliness and actually missing him began to creep in. i've stated it before and i'll state it again here. it really hurts when someone you love so much is not right for you and you really know you can't be together.

the next morning i was listening to music as i was getting ready for work and this song came on. it's a song i've heard a couple of times since the break up, and it was a reminder of the fact that i really need to hold on and believe that there is an other side to this experience. i will eventually get there, but it's just going to take awhile.

one other point to think about when you listen to this song. i see it very much as a duet not a solo. this song can apply equally (and with some lyrics more) to michael's perspective on what's happened as to mine. i hope the same resolution for him as well.

over you by daughtry

theme song

i originally had another song planned for this entry related to another topic, but this morning i was thinking about the fact that today i will be sharing with my colleagues  that i will be leaving at the end of september. this thought then got me reflecting on all of the changes that lie ahead and how much there is that i will need to prepare for the transition. thinking about it all can cause one to become somewhat overwhelmed.

for whatever reason, thinking about changes reminded me of the song from which this blog takes its name. at the outset of creating this blog in the midst of another time of transition three years ago, i posted the lyrics of the song but i did not post a link to the actual song. this seemed like an appropriate time to do so. so we'll save that other song for tomorrow, enjoy the sweetness and beauty of this one, and be reminded anew of the truth in this composition that is truly dear to my heart.

enough to be on your way by james taylor

good news

smiling is not something i've been doing very much of late. but today, to be honest, i'm beaming. the kind of smile that doesn't just exist on your face but extends all the way into your heart and warms your soul. now the pragmatist in me says that this feeling won't last and that maybe it's even a little silly to invest time in feeling this way. but when such feelings have been few and far between, my pragmatic side is just going to have to indulge me and allow me at least a few moments to bask in the news.

so soon i will be pulling up stakes and heading west to a new job opportunity and a new season of life. i've gone through several such transitions as i've commented on a few times previously in this blog. this one will certainly have it's challenges. i have no friends or family where i'm moving nor have i ever lived in that portion of the country. the job is large in scope and significant in responsibilities. and yet i am eager to begin and in many ways start anew. time to shake off the cobwebs, take a deep breath and dive in.

but first i need to start closing down shop here, say my goodbyes, prepare for the move and take a bit of a break. with all that is ahead, i'm pretty certain that the next few months should be very interesting. stay tuned.

proving a negative

i found myself in the midst of a debate late last night about the merits of gossip. for those who know me, believe it or not, i was on the con side. i state that to admit that while i have been known to browse through certain tabloid magazines, drop by a certain blog that peddles in celebrity "news" (the nom de plume of the blogger is partially shared with a certain celebutante), and partake in office chit chat, i still maintain that gossip is not an essential part of our daily lives and likely we would all be better off without it. my worthy debate opponent argued that it is an integral part of communication and vital for our day-to-day interactions.

mind you i think that we may have been working from different ideas of what entails "gossip," but i did pull this definition from wikipedia to help frame our discussion because i found it accurately reflected my perspective on gossip:

gossip is idle talk or rumour, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

i think the reason why  i believe gossip is particularly unnecessary is that it rarely relies on facts but more often than not instead involves rumor, speculation, and innuendo. i had to admit though that having been the recent target of office gossip i might be hypersensitive about the matter and i disclosed this fact at the end of our chat. it seemed that part of my friend's argument was that gossip was not only a way to relay information necessary for a group of people to function but that it is a means for our brains to engage in an active processing of information, without which they would be reduced to if i recall the terminology correctly "gelatinous blobs."

so (as is often the case) we pretty much argued to a standstill. when i work up this morning though i was struck with a thought that i've had before following such discussions about human behavior -- that being that it is nearly impossible to prove a negative. in this case obviously it would be how our lives would be fine, if not better, without gossip. the fact is that even the wikipedia definition goes on to state that gossip is one of the oldest forms of human communication. it is a practice that is at the very foundation of our social structure. therefore, there exist numerous examples of how gossip has a place in our society. at the same time, i would submit, there exist no widely known examples of living a gossip-free existence. therefore, there are no manifest examples of the benefits of not engaging in gossip or, at the very least, that it's absence would not be detrimental to our lives.

it's really a challenge to prove a point when you have the whole of human existence providing evidence against you. somehow, that doesn't manage to prevent me from trying.

spending my way out of sadness

woke up this morning, checked my bank account and realized i've done it again. i've been spending way too much money in an effort to compensate for my depression. now, naturally, this is not how this pattern works it's way through my mind in any purposeful fashion. instead the situation unfolds more in the following way: i buy one little thing and i feel good. i buy another bigger thing and i feel even better. and then, like a stack of dominoes, i find myself in a spending spree that ends with me ultimately back in the same mood i started in and deeper in the financial hole with a bunch of stuff piled up around me.

having been partnered with an addict, you would think i would know better than to take a chance in indulging my own addictive tendencies. while it certainly has always given me empathy concerning my ex's condition, i recognize that my own foibles don't excuse his. plus, given that many of these same spending cycles in the past were triggered by my reactions to events stemming from his problems, situations like the current one just reinforce in my mind that we're not a good combination, and i have to take care of me before i can be of any help to anyone else.

so it's back to a plan of austere living as i clean up the results of the latest financial debacle. hopefully, this time (with the help of the more public acknowledgement of my problem via this blog) the realization that spending when i am in a depressive state is always a dynamic in which i need to proceed with caution (if at all  in many cases) will sink even deeper into my psyche and will lead to more appropriate and positive outcomes in the future because unless i'm mistaken, barrels are not making a comeback as the fashion ensemble of choice.

hobby or statement?

so if you're a long-time reader of this blog then you know that one of my pastimes is that i'm a collector of modern and vintage fashion dolls (and if you're recent reader, well, now you know). this past friday i had the pleasure of indulging in my hobby by taking a leisurely drive along the highways and byways of massachusetts and upstate new york to the tonner company store in kingston, ny. for the uninitiated, the tonner doll company is one of the major producers of fashion dolls and character figures. i've only recently started collecting tonner dolls (as in the past couple of years) but have quickly branched out into a variety of their product lines.

it was a true joy to be like the proverbial kid in the candy store (or maybe more appropriately a toy store). after sizing up the room and what was available from my favorite lines, i asked the salesperson if she would assist me. literally, we went from one end of the store to the other and i pointed out the items that i wanted ("and i want this, and this, and this, oh and that. . . ."). as she busily wrote down on her pad item descriptions and skus. when we got done, she left for the adjacent stock room, and i took pictures of the beautifully arrayed shelves (i'll try to post a few pictures when i get home). to have a doll room set up like that is a long-term dream but one that will likely have to wait quite a few years (chances are that i will be renting for well into the foreseeable future and will not have that kind of space to dedicate to such an endeavor). my purchases were totaled and piled into three shopping bags for which i paid a pretty healthy sum (but as i tell myself in many such shopping expeditions, i am well worth the expense). 

when i got home from my day's activity, i found a response to the tweet of that morning in which i announced my day's plans. the response read, "you went on a shopping trip to a fashion doll company?" now having come to know the individual who wrote said note at least a little bit over the past few weeks, i imagined the bemused smirk that likely passed across his face as he wrote his inquiry. that mental picture in turn likely fueled my response of, "well it's their retail store and yes, i did. i've been a collector for about seven years. and yes, i'm really that gay."

somehow, my response got me thinking about how much i've changed over the past 12 or so years since accepting my sexual orientation. prior to this time,  i was struggling with the idea that i might be gay and doing everything not to be so, and it is activities like fashion doll collecting that i would not have dared engage. because of the stereotypes that accompany this activity and others (interests in fashion, theater, decorating, etc.) i would never have wanted to have suffered any "guilt" by association and would have shunned the whole idea (though, believe it or not, there are actually straight men who are fashion doll collectors). the truly sad thing is that i would have let fear result in my missing taking part in a hobby that, as i reflected in a later online chat with my tweet responding friend, has brought me so much enjoyment. in fact, over the past year and a half, with several difficult and painful changes having taken place, this hobby has been somewhat of a lifesaver, allowing me to divert at least some of my hurt into more pleasant pursuits. i don't want to imagine how bleak life would have been without my collecting pursuits, but it would have been very, very bleak indeed.

so it would appear to me that i've, intuitively at least, known that coming out as a fashion doll collector would in many ways be my way of making a statement about other aspects of my self as well. but now, i'm happy to state, i wouldn't have it any other way.

speaking of closets

just saw this article posted on the advocate website. sometimes, i wonder if we will ever progress when this type of thing keeps happening.

could an adovcate interview hurt rising action film star luke evans?

is fame really worth sacrificing one's principles? enjoy your life back in the closet luke.