not a one

this past week, driving home from a long day at work, i found myself reflecting on what seems to be a recurring experience in my most recent relationships with men. you see, i have a fear of rejection and abandonment when it comes to relationships with other members of my gender. it's a fear that likely stems from the fact that my father essentially abandoned me, having had no contact with me between the age of about 4 until his death when i was 14.

the recurring experience has been that, with each of these recent relationships, there has come a point when i've expressed that i have this fear of sudden, permanent loss - a breaking off of the relationship that comes from some flaw inherent in me. to a person, each guy has shared with what i believe to be true sincerity that they were not going anywhere, that they would always be there for me.

so how many of the men who have said this to me are still present in my life in any meaningful way if at all? not a one.

it's difficult to be hopeful about experiencing lasting friendship/companionship when one's track record is so perfect.

a simple statement

i had a therapy appointment recently. we talked about broken relationships. the absence of my father, who i never got to know. the distance between my mother and me that really has always existed but has been heightened by her inability to accept that i'm gay. we talked about the unfulfilled dreams of relationships past and present - sean, michael, and so many others.

and at the end of all of that, towards the completion of our session, i made one simple statement.

i wish my life had been different.

i'm not sure i've ever said anything that felt so true. it was like i looked at the landscape of my entire life and turned back around to describe how what i saw made me feel.

this simple statement continues to reverberate in my heart. actually, i think it has been for quite some time. and the sad thing is i've lost hope that it will ever end at least not until i do.

the key

i've been going through another difficult period. every night, i have a pretty intense depressive episode -- not as strong as what i experienced during my most recent two year depressive state, but certainly the most intense since that period. the thoughts that run through my mind are consistently about the sense of loneliness that continues to be a palpable presence in my life and does not seem it will ever end.

the intensity factor has been turned up by my most recent "encounters" with sean. the trend of our interactions being few and far between continues. the last substantive online conversation we had was about three months ago, and it paled in comparison to the kinds of chats we had in the first couple of years of our friendship.

each contact has essentially been a variation on the same theme. he begins with what feels like a perfunctory, "sorry i've been away" and then a cursory he's been busy. recognize these responses tend to come a few weeks after my own messages of how i hope he's doing well or am concerned if he's doing well often with my sharing some experience that i've just had. sometimes i even admit that i miss him.

his most recent contact came after i had shared some songs that had great meaning for me. it's something that we used to do with one another, and i still choose to believe it's something we've both enjoyed over the course of our knowing one another. for me it's an opening of my heart to share how i'm feeling at that particular moment in time.

i wrote and shared over the course of a couple of weeks. during that time i got one "sorry i've been away" message and then another that also said that he'd been "very introspective" and "withdrawn" and it wasn't "anything you can take personally." and i snapped. i wrote back several lines of how i did take it personally and the reasons why. i even shared that this was the second year he had not acknowledged my birthday even though i had mentioned something i did on my birthday during one of the messages i had sent.

i wrote this message tuesday. he has not responded though i suspect he has been online since. not even a "sorry i missed your birthday."

i miss feeling good about this friendship. instead thinking of it has become like a key to the door behind which lies the deep pain of feeling inadequate and worthless. and once that door has been unlocked, it feels as if i am flooded with a sadness and despair that goes bone-deep.

in those evening hours before going to bed, i have moments where i think about how many times i've felt this way about this and other relationships.

i think about how these recurring thoughts are like living with a chronic disease.

i think about how it's a disease that may someday either drive me mad or kill me.

i think about someone, who i thought was my friend, that doesn't seem to care about any of this, and the key unlocks, and the door swings wide open.

bid our hungry souls be filled

the interesting thing about christmas music is that there are songs that become popular though they were not originally introduced as songs related to the season. such is this case with today's song. still, given the subject matter, it's easy to see why this song has been covered on many a holiday album. also, it should be pretty apparent why it's a natural song for this day.

and with this i conclude this year's sharing of holiday tunes. may the remainder of the season be an enjoyable one for one and all and the coming new year bring all you desire and more.

welcome to our world - chris rice from deep enough to dream

o night divine

it's christmas eve. there are many christmas songs that reflect on this special night. the one i'm sharing tonight is my favorite.

o holy night - nat king cole from the christmas song

most highly favored lady

our time for sharing holiday seasonal music is coming to an end in a couple of days and i thought i'd wind down with songs that reflect on the central story of christmas. tonight's is a folk song that dates back to the 13th century and focuses on the visitation of the angel gabriel to a young girl who would play a pivotal role in the history of the world. the setting of this rendition of is both lovely and haunting as befits the moment which it recalls.

gabriel's message - sting from a very special christmas, vol. 1

coming home just the way you are

just because i haven't gotten into the holiday mood doesn't mean that i don't wish everyone the best of experiences with friends and family at this special time of year. i thought i should pick a song that reflects this fact, so here's amy once again with a with a slightly more uptempo song from her latest album.

to be together - amy grant from tennessee christmas