almost paradoxical

i believe the best compliment i've ever received in my life occurred during my senior year in college. it was during a senior retreat, and i was with a group of people that i had traveled together closely with through the college experience for the previous four years. we were seated in a circle and charged with giving "affirmations" to one another with each person taking a seat in the center of the circle and then all of the others each sharing a single positive trait about the person.

when it was my turn, i listened to some very nice comments but one stood out. when it got to a girl named laura, she made a statement that has stayed with me to this day. she said something to the effect of, "if you're ever having a day when you're feeling down about yourself, you should talk to clarus; he will make you feel so good about who you are."

i care about my friends, and to the best of my ability, i do try to provide support and encouragement to them.

recently, i've had opportunities to be that encourager (at least i hope i have been) to a few young guys whose life paths have crossed with my own. whatever form the support has taken, i've come to recognize that my motivation is to provide them with the sense that there is at least one person in this world who cares about them unconditionally. that no matter what else is happening to them, they are valued, and yes, i'd even say loved.

there is one thing though that is almost paradoxical about this desire to be an encourager, and that is this. the one person i seem to be unable to encourage is myself.

a note to a friend

i wrote the following to a friend in a skype message last sunday. today i realized that i could have written this note on any day for the last few years (if not for much of my adult life), and it would have felt as true then as it did when i wrote this and as it does today:

just got back from my walk
did a lot of thinking
i’ve always tried to be a good person
i’ve tried to be kind, considerate, giving, gracious, loving
to all the people who have been in my life
and yet none of it seems to have mattered
my life is pretty empty and meaningless and i’m always alone

lasting effects

it occurred to me recently that if you want to know how an emotionally painful experience affects me, all you need to know is this one thing. my dog nicholas died a little over seven years ago. to this day i refuse to get another dog.

pushing back the darkness

it hasn't been a good week. first, i came to the realization that my current job is likely not the right job for me. it's a perspective that has been developing over time, but recent events have convinced me that i am not happy in the role i'm doing and the prospects of becoming so are limited.

the second disappointment of the week is that a friend with whom i shared several special times has decided that he can no longer continue in engaging with me in that way. it is a decision i understand. it is a choice he needs to make to achieve the happiness he wants in his life. i just wish that his happiness did not have to come at the expense of my own. our meeting up has been one of the few enjoyable things in my life at this time, and now those opportunities are gone and i'm a little more alone. and so again, my depression deepens.

it's been difficult living a life where, more often than not, life seems so bleak and full of an unending stream of painful disappointments. i have spent so much time over the last few decades fighting the feeling that ending my life would be better than continuing to live it. pushing back against this kind of darkness that envelops my mind and consumes my soul for so many years has been exhausting. it feels as if there is no relief in sight and when something seemingly good comes along it eventually just fades away like a mirage in the desert, leaving in its wake more devastation in my heart.

last night, i wrote to the friend and said that i felt like i was one or two disappointments away from deciding that life is not worth living. i think that could change if i experience something extraordinarily life affirming in the near future. the sad thing is i have no real hope that it will. i think so many years of pushing back the darkness has killed it.

being forgotten

watching oneself fade to obscurity in the life of another is a difficult experience. feeling that this occurrence is viewed as a positive to that person is devastating.

disappear - dear evan hansen original broadway cast recording

want

this is all i wanted. it's all i ever wanted. all i want but seems i will never have.

for forever - dear evan hansen original broadway cast recording

the never knowing

this past week i experienced probably the most painful therapy session i've had since re-engaging in seeing a psychotherapist. so painful in fact that i started packing up to leave before my therapist (who i will henceforth refer to as "dr. m") even had to tell me that our time was coming to a close. i had gotten to the point where i literally could not talk anymore, and i left wondering why i voluntarily subject myself to this kind of experience week after week.

the depression is continuing to escalate. it's gone from something i experienced just late at night to late evening and early morning to evening and morning and now it is starting to creep into all parts of the day. every day i have thoughts of not being sure if i can go into another day feeling the way that i do. i have had so many times in my life that i've been in this state that it just seems as if this is all that life is and if this is all it is, then maybe it's not for me.

during this week's session i came to the realization that what is most hurtful to me about the dissolution of my friendship with sean is that i will never know what happened. i will never have an explanation as to why we went from being friends who communicated multiple times a day about all things in life to a state where i don't hear from him for weeks at a time and can't get him to engage in the simplest of conversations when he does manage to respond. even when i ask him directly to tell me what's going on, he can't find it in himself to tell me.

i haven't heard from him in a month and given the fact that i am done with reaching out to him, i suspect i never will again. as a result i believe my chance to have some explanation, some understanding of why i lost another person that i cared about deeply is gone forever.

this is not the first relationship where this kind of dynamic has been at play. the most profound is, of course, my relationship with my father (or lack thereof). he was not present at all in my life, and he died before i could ever find out the reason why. i shared with dr. m this week of how, as a child, i used to imagine finding him some day and if not establishing a relationship at least getting him to share his reasons for not acknowledging my existence. death robbed me of that chance and replaced it with an unsolvable mystery.

i often wonder why i have been the "lucky" one to experience this kind of situation over and over in my lifetime. i guess that answer is just something else that will have to be packed away in the place of never knowing.