irreconcilable

there are moments, particularly when i go through dark times, that i think i was not made for this world.

today, i was confronted with a situation at work the end result of which made me think that the world does not a just place. in this particular instance, an individual, who had committed some pretty unscrupulous acts, had gotten a promotion. at the same time, i know of many good people who have had their positions eliminated and are leaving the company. i am one of those people, and the news has pushed me off my axis of emotional well-being once again.

i thought about sharing how much the situation pains me deeply to a friend. i heard in my mind his likely response of, "well, that's just business," and it is that perspective that so many around me have that causes me to pause and question whether i really belong in this life.

so many seem so reconciled to "the way things are," and it leaves me wondering how, after half a decade, i can still be so hurt, so disappointed, so disturbed when events like the one at work today happen. it's as if, when i was formed in the womb, what ever part of my dna that's supposed to allow one's perspectives on life to adapt to accept "the way things are" either didn't fully form or just got left out all together.

i've always felt very odd and out of place in this life. i'm sure i've shared before in this blog that i sometimes (or is it often) question why was i even brought into existence, believing as i do that every life has a purpose. i keep wondering of what good am i if i get so deeply shaken and lost when encountering what i see as the darker realities of the world?

another bit of evidence i feel highlights why i don't think i was made for this world - i never get an answer to that question, and yet, i carry a belief that i should.

indifferent

i'm at one of those points that i look around and it feels that the world, that life seems so indifferent to whatever struggles i have and the resulting inner pain i'm experiencing; and i wonder, why does that bother me? i mean, why do i believe that life should develop in a way that supports and nurtures me?

perhaps it's because to believe otherwise, to accept that my life will always be about suffering mentally and emotionally in a world that is coldly unconcerned, would push me over an edge from which there would be no return.

i've been in this place before (more times than i often feel is fair for one human being to have to have experienced) and each time i seem to get closer to that edge of oblivion.

i've never looked over the edge. it frightens me. i worry that in doing so i will see an illusion of welcoming relief that will lure me over and away from existence.

i have read and heard about so many people with seemingly more fulfilling lives than mine who have done so. i do not want to follow them, but i believe i understand why they made that fatal step.

one day they looked up with all the hurt they'd endured for so long, looked around and saw a world that seemed indifferent to their experience, and then looked over the edge and thought, "could that really be any worse than what i'm experiencing now?"

i do not know the answer to that question; and, as i think it should be, i would rather the answer find me than seek it out myself.

frequency

what do you do when the only channel that seems to be coming through to your mind is the one attuned to all of the pain you've experienced in life? how do you have the belief that you can make it through the next day when all you've done in the current one is relive so many of the hurtful episodes that have occurred over the span of your life? who do you trust when the only signal you're picking up on is the one that reminds you of the loss of relationships that you believed in and trusted and the deepening of the sense of rejection that has resulted? where do you go when at every turn you see in your mind's eye every attempt at starting again to make a better life ending in yet another disappointment? and all i seem to ever be able to do at times like these is wonder, why does this keep happening to me?

the hug

there's a moment that happened during that trip last week that i want to capture because it tells all one needs to know about what i have longed for in life and why i am so deeply saddened (dare i say devastated) by the outcome of said trip.

i had the opportunity to visit with the person who would be my oldest friend my first evening there. we were best friends from first through fifth grade (then my family moved away), and after many, many years apart, we were able to reconnect about five years ago.

the "moment" i referred to at the beginning of this entry occurred when we first greeted one another. we hugged, and it was an embrace that was so full of love, knowing, and acceptance on both our parts that it was very much the experience of what has thus far escaped me in my adult life - a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. we gave each other a similar embrace as we departed and his final words were to the effect that if i were able to move there, i would become a part of his family.

you see, even though apart for many years, my friend knows me. he has seen the earliest parts of my life and the struggles that were inherent in my family dynamics and how they affected me. he knows of the challenges i have had in the interim between our loss of contact and our reconnecting. he knows of my current struggles with deep depression, difficult life events and the ability to hold on to some sense of hopefulness. he knows and he cares deeply about me.

from my time with him, i caught a glimpse of what it would be like to have that kind of loving support so immediately accessible to me (we would literally have been within minutes of one another). given that my next oldest and dearest friend would have been just a few hours to the north, it made me start to believe that maybe, just maybe, i could have a foundation from which to build on, finding my way to a greater sense of wholeness and a belief that i have a place in this world.

and so when i got news of the decision, i realized that i would have to let go of that vision; and, as so often happens with me, the feelings that perhaps i am not meant to be happy in this life have overwhelmed me.

it seems such a small thing to ask - to know love, to belong, to be at home within yourself and the world. a small thing? perhaps. but in my case, it seems as if, to have even the small things is too much to ask.

a single hair

in the story of damocles, the protagonist shares with king dionysus how fortunate that dionysus is to be a king of power and riches. when offered the opportunity to switch places with dionysus, damocles jumps at the chance. as the day arrives and damocles is placed upon the throne, he realizes that dionysus has had a sword placed above the throne held aloft only by a single hair from a horse’s tail. after a time under the precarious position of the sword, damocles pleaded with dionysus to return again to his former state in life. the intention of this illustration was to send a message to damocles and to us that positions of power are precarious ones with potential dangers ever present.

the purpose of my sharing this story is to provide an analogy to how i feel about my own overall sense of hopefulness and well-being. they too feel as if they are constantly in a place of ever present peril. one disappointment or hurtful experience too many and it feels that the horse’s hair will snap and whatever remnants of a positive world outlook that i have in me will be irrevocably sundered from my soul just as surely as the plummeting sword would have cleaved damocles’s skull in two.

i received news today about the outcome of the trip that i went on last week. it was not what i had hoped it would be. i look up and i see that the single hair has started to fray.

pivotal or trivial

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip that has the potential for being a pivotal moment in my life - one that could set a significant new trajectory on the course of my life’s journey. i believe it has the potential for making my life better in every dimension of who i am and aspire to be and to set me on a path of greater wholeness and fulfillment in my life.

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip the result of which could make it as unremarkable as so many that i have taken in the past and will likely embark upon in the future. a trip so trivial that i may only vaguely remember what happened over the course of it if it should even ever come to mind at all. even so, it also has the potential to do so much further damage to my sense of self and well-being that it will take me a very long time to recover.

i took a trip this past week. how it is characterized hinges on a single decision. i wait, i hope, i pray. i fear, i tremble, i hold back my tears. i try to convince myself that all will be well no matter what. i doubt that attempt at self-reassurance even before the thought has completely run itself through my consciousness.

the decision will be rendered and shared soon. watch this space.

soul impact

i mentioned in my last entry that my current job will soon be coming to a close. naturally, this means that i currently am looking for a new means of employment. also, as can be expected, such a search comes with both encouraging and discouraging moments. my current experience is certainly in alignment with said expectation, with my having affirming discussions of interest in my background and body of work and also receiving rejection notifications that have resulted in doubt and disillusionment.

upon receiving one of these rejection communications recently and subsequently falling into a (fortunately brief) depressive episode, i found myself thinking that i wished the affirming moments had as strong an impact on my soul as the ones that are non-affirming. i mean, i can receive a dozen comments that are encouraging, and i’ll feel “ok” maybe even “good.” one reaction that even comes close to being a rejection and i’m figuratively heading for the window to find a good ledge to stand on.

i’ve been through enough years of therapy to know the root of this disproportionate degree of impact. “knowing”  is a good thing i suppose. even so, knowing seems small consolation when i am going through what feels like a soul gutting that tears apart my self-esteem and any optimism for a positive future. sure, i’ve been able to gather back up the shredded pieces and regain some semblance of balance, yet part of me wonders if i’ve been able to collect all of the pieces. have some bits been lost in some corner or crevice never to be seen again? it certainly feels that way as each episode emerges. as i’ve gotten older, it seems like the distance from a sunny landscape to a dark pit of despair has gotten shorter and shorter, and the light in climbing out of the pit has been dimmer and dimmer.

as every chapter of my life’s journey closes and a new one begins, i keep hoping to have what i call the “redemptive experience” (i may have even mentioned this concept previously somewhere in the virtual pages of this blog). the term describes a kind of happening in my life that is so positive, so affirming that it pulls those lost pieces of self-esteem back into my soul, creating a new kind of wholeness that i’ve never experienced, while pushing the pains of my past into those corners and crevices where they perhaps will be remembered but no longer will be affecting.

i keep hoping for that kind of experience. the question is will it find me before there is nothing of me left of me to restore.