so here's a story

i've written a lot about relationships of various sorts. probably since the inception of this blog, i've shared the good times and the difficult ones related to relationships of long and short durations. one common theme that runs through the hard times is the belief that at any moment the relationship was destined to fall apart with the other person walking away, leaving me with little understanding as to what i may have done wrong or even what is wrong with me that precipitated the departure.

i've indicated that, particularly when it comes to men, a key reason for this perspective is the absence of my father in my life. as i've stated many times before, i've come to believe that when it comes to men, my experience is that those who i care about and want to care about me eventually leave. while this life experience is certainly a significant contributor to my fears of abandonment, there is another story that is of equal impact in terms of the scars it has left on my psyche. let me share that story with you now.

many (many) years ago, in the summer between my sophomore and junior years in college, i went through a life-changing event with my best friend (to be referred to as "my bff" from this point forward) from high school. we met in our sophomore year of high school and had been very close friends from that point forward.

over the course of this fateful summer, i started to feel that my bff was less and less interested in spending time with me. when i would go to my bff's home, he seemed as if he had little interest in my being there and seemed perfectly content with the idea that i leave as soon as possible (in fact, his parent's seemed more interested to see me than he was).

never having encountered a situation like this in not only our friendship but in my life to that point, i decided to seek counsel from my mother. in doing so, she gave me the following advice. sharing that it sounded as if my friend was likely going through something and just needed some space, she suggested that i give him that space and just hold off from contacting him, trusting that he would work out whatever he was dealing with and would reach out to me soon enough.

and so, i gave him his space. i didn't make any contact and waited until he was ready to reengage in our friendship once more. that time never came, and i never heard from him again. he just left. no explanation. no reason given. no goodbye.

while i know the remorse over the loss of that particular friendship has long since dissipated (though believe me it took many, many years before it did), the wound still remains and tenaciously refuses to heal. i know this to be true because whenever i enter into similar circumstances in a friendship, the fear grows that another loss is about to come. another shoe will drop and another hole will be created in my heart.

now i find myself in one of those "similar circumstances." greater and greater distance has emerged in my relationship with a current friend. when we do have contact, he seems not to have any interest in engaging me and has left me feeling that he would rather not deal with me at all. when confronted with my concerns, he shares that he's just been really busy. with this being the case, and following the devastating experience of a week ago, i've decided to give him his space to work through whatever is going on in his life, knowing that if he is indeed desirous of a friendship with me, he will eventually reach out to me again.

it's been a week since we last had any form of contact. as you can imagine this is not sitting well with me, and the pain in my heart is becoming ever more palpable. for you see, i already have an experience of days without contact turning into weeks turning into years turning into never again. i really, truly don't want that to happen again with this friend, and i know there's not much i can do about it except grieve and hope that the wound left by this loss doesn't go quite as deep as the one left by my high school bf(not so)f.