getting real

I received this e-mail letter from Nigel the other day. It was not pleasant. I have resisted exploring the darker sides of our relationship in my blogs because, well, one, who likes walking around in the dark, and two, there are people who actually know us that read this blog (not many but a few) and with that few only one knows the whole story of our relationship (in fact, it's only right that he should as he's the one responsible for us meeting in the first place).

I've always wondered if my reluctance to share these things were my attempt to paint this picture of a perfect relationship, which is so antithetical to my desire to be as authentic as possible. I realize now that I've held back because to share fully might actually put me in a place that would compel me to act, so let this posting of his letter be a sign of my not holding back but my desire to move fully forward. I will post my letter of response tomorrow, after which I am sure there will be many posts of exploration and reflection. Here it is in its entirety (with pseudonyms replacing our real names -- authentic but to a point):

Dear clarus,

I hope you had a nice evening, and a nice sleep. I just got back from the Small Town House which, despite being in a small town, is actually quite good and could compete with many restaurants in [the city we live in].

As you know, the last few days have been extremely difficult in terms of "adjustment" (whatever that term means). I do not think there will ever be "adjustment" in the sense of accepting this situation. I am trying to accept this predicament, and appreciate its "positive" aspects, whatever they may be. I guess from your perspective this "positive" is your love of the new work, and I hope this continues. However, I cannot fully understand this, as, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is the time spent together, and we will spend precious little of this in the months ahead.

Although I will have my work, and I am sure this will be a temporary solution to the problem of being alone, I do not think it can be long-lasting. Every night will be the feeling that in going home I will entering a situation where there is no "special someone" to be at ease with or to just "be" with. There will be a vacuum, and nothing can satisfy the resulting emptiness.

Nor do I think 3 week intervals will be enough to make up for the lost time. Three weeks is too long. Much can change in three weeks, including the physical appearance of one's "significant" other. My mother's appearance has changed much since the last time i saw her, and it is amazing to see the loss of muscle in her arms. And this has happened in a period of just a few weeks!!!

We miss LIFE by being apart, and I hope you can grasp this before it is too late. [The Northeast] and [the Midwest] are not exactly roommates.

I do not know what to do to "carry on in one's best way". There is no magic bullet, and any pretense that there is woulde be pure folly.

I can see nothing but a gradual drifting apart, as you yourself intimated just a few hours ago. This would be regretable.

The problem boils down to the personal and the professional. I suppose one could select one over the other with a reasonable degree of success. But if this to be the case, I would appreciate knowing which one of the two options you would like to choose. I am at a crossrorads, and many options present themselves to me at the present time. I would like to know my standing in this regard.

I also do not find it acceptable that Winston will never enter my life as a significant presence. Although this is easy to "pooh pooh," it is important to me. Winston has been with me for over five years, and to have him suddenly and permanently ripped from me is painful. I agree that you are the better parent. However, you must grant me that I have feelings for little Winnie and that these will not go away in a rapid manner. That is, if they will go away at all. Some way must be found for me to have some time with Winston. If not, this will be fertile ground for fighting, and even more upsetting, lasting resentment.

Ways must also be found forthwith to establish a connection via the internet and webcams. Talking on the phone is fine, but it does not meet the test of personal interaction. It is most important that we be able to view each others personal body movements and facial expressions. These are the keys to the human soul.

As this additional week of separation begins, I find myself still uncomfortable, still confused, and wondering what I did to cause this immense separation.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Nigel Erasmus Nottingham