More communications between Nigel and myself following my note to him. I have no additional commentary (save the title of this entry) to express how I feel. Perhaps towards the end of the weekend, I'll have something to share:
Dear clarus,
I have spent the evening and now early morning hours considering both our conversation and letter. I must say that it is with a heavy heart that I send this email.
I am particularly struck by the statement that "you are no longer interested in preserving the relationship at all cost" (paraphrased). It seems odd to make such a remark so early into this new "relationship."
I thought I would never hear that from you, so it comes as quite a shock to the senses. I know that I do not want to be one of the many gay couples who end their relationship after a few years; how convenient it is to RUN from one's relationship problems.
It is clear to me a least (based a careful read and re-read of your letter) that you hold serious levels of anger toward me. Right now, I feel like a complete failure as I feel that everything I have done in the past 7 years has been wrong. I remembering you saying that I was a "nag" for saying things bout dining, TV programming, etc. I thought I had made a serious change in my behavior in that regard. I guess I didn't.
I thought I was a loving partner. I guess I was mistaken in that too.
As of this writing, I feel shocked, angry, disgusted, sad, hurt, and punched in the stomach. I'm also guardedly optimistic.
Love,
Nigel
PS: I also know that this email is not well-written. I do not think I have expressed myself well. In part this is because I do not know what to say.
Dear Nigel,
I am so sorry that you have had a difficult night and that I am the cause of it. It really does break my heart to think how much you are suffering. When I made the statement I did, which I agree with you was gut-wrenching, I made it with a full reflection on all of the years we have been together. In all that time, I did have a "preserving at all costs" mentality. Unfortunately, for me that meant squelching my perspectives and denying my needs. In fact this e-mail is probably a great example of the dynamic at work.
You would do or not do something. I would think about talking with you about it. I would more often than not choose not to address it because I was not sure how you would react. You might become seriously angry and lash out at me. You might become emotionally devastated and not be able to get out of bed for days. I am not sure if you realize this, but you can be a formidable presence -- even in your silence.
You mentioned feeling like a failure. I feel that way too. I feel like I should have been better at standing up to you, at expressing my feelings, at demanding a real response from you, but I wasn't and the question for me now is can I be in this new phase of our relationship?
When I wrote that I was not willing to go back to the relationship the way it was before, this is part of what I meant. I can't be silent anymore and if it means your lashing out or being hurt, then I guess it does, but know this also. I cannot continue to willingly put myself in that kind of situation. I cannot look at you unable to get out of bed because of something I've said and feel whole. That kind of situation is too damaging for my own psyche. There are people who could do that -- who could look at you in that situation and say "well, that's his problem." I am not one of them. I think you of all people know that.
I've come a long way in developing a thicker skin, but my heart is still vulnerable. In the work world, I am now managing much better with allowing people to own their feelings and not take on the responsibility of their stuff. The question now is can I do that at home? Do I even want to? I feel that to become the kind of person who is not affected by another person's pain would move me too far from the person that I believe God has created me to be. To become that person would mean that I am no longer me. This is what I meant by preserving at any cost. Does being with you mean that I have to kill off who I am?
Home is a place that I want to come to to be at peace and at comfort with who I am. When I spoke to you about being under siege, it was about my not understanding why I had to justify some of my most basic decisions.
Nigel, you are a loving person, and I know that I do love you, but there are other aspects at work as well. This is very difficult. I just keep thinking that I want you to be well and I want me to be well. That and I am really tired.
I will talk with you later tonight. Love. cmh
P.S. Your e-mail was very well written because it expressed your heart. That's all that matters.
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