feeling exposed

It's been a strange experience re-entering the world of blogging. I decided to do it because I felt with such a major life transition, I really needed to be journaling again, so why not use this medium to do so. I also decided that unlike the previous blog, this one was really going to be just for me. If other people read it, well that would be ok. Maybe my take on my life experiences could be useful to someone else thinking through their own issues. Then I thought I'm so terrible at keeping in touch with people this would be a great vehicle for people who were wondering how I was doing to just drop by and take a look at their leisure, so I started letting people know the address of this blog. Then this situation with Nigel emerged, and now I'm wondering if all of those decisions were really compatible with one another?

I am now sharing what had largely been my private stuff save the one friend (well and Nigel of course. However, given his reactions to what I've shared, maybe I was correct in my first characterization). After the last couple of days, I'm sort of feeling like I'm wearing the emperor's clothes. For now I believe I've made the right choices. The people who know me who may or may not be reading are people I believe truly care about me and so are probably the ones who I should have been sharing this stuff with all along. However, if I think something I'm about to share is "too much information" for people who know me, I might put some kind of "TMI Warning" at the beginning of the post (so be forewarned you few readers you).

So, as for my thoughts on the situation with Nigel, I have one simple perspective. I want both Nigel and myself to be in a relationship that is both happy and healthy, that supports and encourages the other towards greater degrees of wholeness. I would like this to be the same relationship for each of us, our relationship. I think this means being honest with each other about what we want from life, which I also know, means that first we each need to be honest with our own selves first, which may be the more difficult feat.

One friend is skeptical that the relationship will be able to continue. He says that in the entire time that he has known Nigel (which is much longer than I have), Nigel has not changed and what would be necessary for Nigel and me to be in the kind of relationship I desire, all agree, will require some growth and yes change on both our parts. He may be right, but I could not live with myself if I did not encourage us to try.

I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond (lingering mostly in the "Beyond" part I guess) earlier today, and I came across a set of those 3-D inspirational word plaque thingies. I found myself drawn to one that said simply "FAITH." If I remember correctly, recovering Evangelical moving on to lapsed Catholic that I am, faith is defined in the Bible as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." I certainly need an abundance of that, so I bought it and it now sits on top of the entertainment center in my little rental home as a helpful reminder. Plus, since I've already determined that I want to dwell in hope and to draw from love, it seems only fitting that I have faith to complete the set.