at the core

earlier today i was catching up with a friend on the weekend's events and just how life was going in general; and that reminded me of a thought that i had the other day that captures what is really at the crux of my emotional state. i said to my friend that i should really blog about it and so i am. 

what occurred to me is that as i await news of the impending job offer, what was once going to be a solution to the one problem area in my life is now just one of a number of issues that i have to deal with. it has now moved from a solution to a situation that also seems to be wrought with numerous concerns -- i'm moving to a new location where i don't know anyone for the fourth time in my life. one would think that would make it easier but in my case one would be wrong. the older i get, the less easy it gets. i'm weary of starting over, wondering if life will be better this time around. and on top of all of that, i had not anticipated back in october of last year, when this impending change was set in motion, that i would be doing all of this alone.

it's funny, but also during this chat with my friend, i had another unexpected perhaps deeper revelation. he asked if maybe going home would be a solution. i then responded that maybe that's the point (and maybe it's always been the point), i don't feel like i have a home. coming out to my mom created a rift in our relationship that makes me no longer feel at home (accepted, understood, loved unconditionally) with her. i've not kept in the best of contact with so many people in my life that i'm not sure how much i feel at home (known, connected)  with the vast majority of friends. when it comes down to it, my relationship ended basically because, no matter how i tried, i couldn't be at home (safe, secure, at peace) with my ex. and at the end of it all, i keep wondering if i've ever really felt at home anywhere. but if i never have, why would the absence of it be so painful?

right now it just feels like there is so much not right with my life and no clear path to anything ever being right again. the last thing i was reminded of by my earlier chat is that the feeling of not being  at home is one of the reasons why i named this blog after this particular james taylor song. there is a lyric in the song that is "home, build it behind your eyes, carry it in your heart, safe among your own." words to live by. i just wish i knew how.