complements

it's been a few days since i last jotted something in this blog. in all honesty, i've really struggled with how to craft this particular entry. i had a particular subject in mind for awhile that was related to a revelatory moment i had getting ready for work a few days ago. but then i found out some information that kind of unnerved me and seemed to shove any learning that i received from my epiphany to the back of my mind. so i guess the way to proceed is to take a kind of that was then, this is now approach.

first the then. as i indicated at the beginning of this writing, i was getting ready for work a few days ago and stepping over the various pieces of debris strewn across the floor -- the results of my preparing for my impending move. Dodging piles of papers, clothes, and books got me to thinking about the enormity of the move, and how, when i first knew about the possibility of my needing to move, the scenario was much different. then i was with michael, and i thought that he would be very much a part of the picture when i relocated. now, i'm not and he isn't. i started to then drift into daydream mode and began imagining how the current circumstance would be playing out if michael and i were still together.

interestingly enough though, my subconscious wasn't in the mood to play let's pretend in the mode of waxing rhapsodic, displaying hazy, sepia toned pictures of a couple in love. instead, i got a starkly clear picture of the likely reality, that being michael complaining about my not relocating to our home in st. louis but heading out west instead. as the scene continued, he kept asking when i would be leaving the new not yet started job and how often i would be visiting him, insisting that flying home every weekend would be his preference. i could plainly see his pouting face as if it were literally right in front of me. all of this was happening while i was frantically preparing for the arrival of the movers with him lifting nary a finger to assist me.

this daydream (more like a daymare really) had the affect of an ice cold glass of water being thrown in my face. suddenly i realized, all the other (valid) complications about our relationship aside, the reason michael and i weren't and couldn't be together came down to one simple fact (btw, those last three words were going to be the original title of this blog). we are in very different places in our lives, and because of that, our lives simply don't fit together anymore. trying to fulfill michael's expectations of me as his partner would not allow me to do and be the person i want to be in life and (to some extent) vice versa. it's neither good or bad. it's just what is. i've had similar realizations to this one, but this time recognizing this truth drove to a place deep in my heart and brought about a sense of closure and peace. 

at least i thought it did until i got an email from michael this weekend in response to my letting him know that i'd planned on dropping by the st. louis house to pick up a few personal items. buried in that email was this little nugget:

if you have followed [facebook], you know that i am presently dating someone, and it is going well.  that should give you some confidence that seeing you would be just a nice conversation between friends.

and with that bit of news came the second encounter between my face and that glass of ice cold water. i was caught with many mixed emotions. one is the irony of the fact that the entire time i was going through feelings of missing michael, he was involved with someone else. there's also the fact that, while i actually am happy for him, it seems somehow (and i recognize this is not a mature feeling) unfair that he gets to find love before i do. however at the heart of both of these feelings is the fact that neither have anything to do with michael, but rather they are about, on one hand, what i hope to have and on the other, fear i won't -- a loving relationship of my own.

so i guess these experiences are more complementary than i thought. both have brought some clarity as to what has been happening in my life. but to be honest, when it comes to complements,  ultimately (to quote that great lyric from "la vie boheme" in the musical rent) i'm looking for someone whose "baggage goes with mine."