fury

i'm having one of those mornings where people are starting to get on what's left of the very last nerve i have functioning. following a tense phone conversation with a colleague and reading a few unfortunate emails (unfortunate in their reflection of unacceptable actions), i was filled with a rage that blurred my vision and had me cursing up a storm.

i really don't like when i get to this place -- when frustration and anger is just a conversation or observation away. usually, at least in part, being in this state reflects my likely need for some time away to rest and get rejeuvenated. there are other times though that it also reflects a restlessness and disatisfaction with life as i currently know it. i suspect this is one of those times.

i mentioned in my entry yesterday that i am a planner by profession. that work calls for a constant immersion in creating a vision for a desired future state and planning a path to get there. when one spends so much time in thinking about what could be, seeing what is and even moreso the amount of distance between what is and what can be, well, seeing that can be a mite bit frustrating. add to that being with people who either don't want to contribute to creating what can be and/or don't have the capabilties to contribute much of value of creating that planned for future, well that, that can be downright infuriating. and yet i know i've been to this place before (and may have even expressed the very same thoughts in this blog a time or two previously).

still, i think back to a night not so long ago when i made this simple but profound declaration -- i really need a change. i would like that change to be positive -- one that moves me forward to another simple declaration that i just came across yesterday in a blog entry from a couple of years ago -- all i've ever wanted was to be happy and be loved. "happiness" for me translates to feeling that my work, my life has meaning and purpose, that i am making a difference in the world around me. and being loved? i think that's self-explanatory.