more maybes

and so my travels continue. i'm currently at an airport starbuck's, whiling away the time as i wait for my flight to board in about an hour. the perfect time for a blog entry.

so the stopover was not quite what i expected. maybe to the outside observer (if there was an outside observer of my relationship with michael who witnessed our every moment interaction) it was normal. maybe it was what my relationship with michael has settled into. for me though it just seemed to confirm what i've been feeling for a little while now. things just seem to be a bit ... well... off.

this was michael's birthday weekend -- not a milestone bday mind you (save that it is the last year of this particular decade of his life and next year will begin a new one and will be a major milestone bday). the whole weekend seemed kind of odd with what i can only describe as listless conversation punctuating moments of tedium. that would be bothersome enough but one particular occurrence firmly set this particular weekend into "off" territory.

i had purposely arranged the timing of this trip so that i would be able to say happy birthday to him on his actual birthday which is today. what i had not counted on was his planning on leaving for the condo last night (quick clarifying comment. michael works in another town about 90 miles from st. louis. he bought a small condo last year in that town, so he doesn't have to commute during the week). in all fairness, he asked if i minded if he left and i did not raise any objections (i didn't really see the point. did i mention that michael has complained often that the weekends we spend together are too short and he wants to spend more time with me?). one consolation is he did call on his way out of town and say that he was glad that i stayed longer. still, last night i slept alone and woke up to no one to wish happy birthday. yay me.

maybe i'm just tired (i woke up at about 3:30 am and since i had to get up at 5 anyway to catch this early morning flight, i decided not to go back to bed). maybe i'm just in a hyper-sensitive mode of late, seeing issues where there are none. maybe the week ahead will provide a lift. maybe i'm just fooling myself about a lot of things. maybe ....