brain chemistry

depression and i have been long acquaintances. i even have a distinct memory of when we first met. i was eight and was in a blue mood, but i didn't understand why. i was sitting at the kitchen table and my mother was making breakfast and i remember saying to her, "mommy, i'm sad but i don't understand why because i don't have a reason to be sad." she matter of factly replied back, "oh honey, you're just depressed." for some reason that explanation seemed to be a satisfactory enough answer, and through it i was introduced to a new emotional construct (i have to admit though now i feel like, "what the f*** kind of answer was that for an eight year old?', but that's a topic of exploration for another time).

one would think knowing depression for about 40 or so years would mean i would have an intimate understanding of it. unfortunately, that is not the case. i do have a better understanding of the mechanics through the combination of  having a b.s. in biochemistry, popular culture reading and explanations from my primary care physician. i recognize that depression, like all emotions, is really just a descriptive of our reaction to various states of hormones in our brain. too much of some results in one emotional state, too little another. but as in many relationships, it's possible to know the other partner for a long time and still not understand them.

take this morning for instance. i was thinking about a certain situation and found myself feeling really down -- the kind of down that was out of proportion to the circumstance. upon further reflection, i recognized that the situation was likely not the cause of my depression, but that my already being in a depressed state was affecting the magnitude of my reaction. this specific example is not the first instance of my having to examine my reactions to experiences at deeper than surface level, and i'm sure it won't be the last.

this constant state of reflecting and questioning what one is feeling may seem like an exhausting exercise (and it is) but i also know it's necessary. the reason being that if i acted on every feeling at face value i would be making some seriously stupid judgement calls that would result in me and/or others being seriously hurt (i do that enough with the thorough emotional scrutiny. at least, in this case, the amount of emotional wreckage i've left behind has been mostly contained to me).

so what's the solution for this particular bout of depression? perhaps, variation in my medication may be what i need (yes, believe it or not, i actually do take prescription meds) and i certainly will ask my primary care physician about it on my next visit. the concern i have is that i suspect that it's really variation in my life that i need. does anyone know a doctor that can write a prescription for that?