missing someone (and not)

i know this is going to sound completely silly but i kinda miss you....

those are the words i wrote in an instant message several nights ago. it was one of those moments of open reflection that tend to catch me by surprise. the moment where i find myself saying or, in the case of online chats, writing something at the same time i'm thinking it. it's surprising as i, more often than not, tend to laboriously mull over emotionally weighted thoughts before expressing them, if i even choose to do so. the decision about whether to share or not is usually indirectly proportional to how of open and vulnerable to embarrassment or emotional pain the revelation will make me.

except in the case of the open reflection, where words just fly out before i've really fully processed them. in such a case the general first reaction is to cringe and castigate myself for sharing something so, well, honest (i am nothing if not my own best tormentor or is that worst?). and then the words tend to just hang there as i await a response.

such was the case this particular evening. transcripts show that it was actually exactly 30 minutes before i got a response (a winking smiley face). now that's a long wait for anyone. for me it felt more like the amount of time i would imagine it would take me to walk from here to new york and back. in fact, about seven minutes after, i myself wrote the retort, "and apparently i was correct" (tormentor: 1, open/vulnerable self: 0 ).

now for those of you who have been following this blog over the past few weeks, you are probably thinking that i wrote those words to michael, my ex. and if that was your thought, you would be wrong. those words were actually written to s.r. (formally known as my new friend).

let's take a break for a moment to set some context, i met s.r. through an online venue we both frequent. we would run into each other every so often and chat for a bit. we'd send an occasional email back and forth. then the chatting became more regular. and then the idea of maybe meeting face to face some day occurred. so through a combination of planning and coincidence, we've actually had the opportunity to meet in person a couple of times. and in all honesty, i'm a bit smitten with him. it does need to be noted that "being smitten" is a phenomenon that has likely occurred with every friend i've made (male or female) since i was a teenager. given my specific proclivities, i will admit that the feelings tend to be stronger with the males, but eventually they adjust to the proper perspective. now, back to the main focus of this particular entry (yes, there is actually a point or two to be made).

i was reminded of sharing the particular phrase that opens this entry following a quick bout of texting with s.r. yesterday.  i could tell that i had one of those "goofy grins" on my face when i got done and that i had that missing him feeling again. so, of course, the tormentor immediately stepped in with, "you do know it's ridiculous that you're having these feelings? you don't even know him really." and with that i thought this entry was going to be entitled "missing someone you don't really know."

it does indeed feel silly to miss someone you don't really know. particularly when you suspect that to the other person, you may be someone that he finds to be pleasant company, but otherwise you don't really occupy much of their waking thoughts. yet, silly or not, the fact is i do kinda miss him, and i'll just have to let those emotions run their course.

so that was going to be the sole focus of today's entry until i had a more sobering moment of reflection later in the day. i was driving to a haircut appointment listening to taylor swift's most recent album red. i am learning this is the perfect post-break up album as it has quite a few songs about the challenges of relationships, however, as i was listening to songs like all too well and i almost do, the thought struck me of "why don't i feel any of this emotion for my break-up with michael?" i mean i literally did not feel one bit of pain about missing michael. i then started trying to think of things that i missed about being with him. i came up completely empty. there was not one event, moment, conversation, experience that i could think of. and that's when my heart really sank.

"omg. what have i been doing for this past year plus?!!" is the exact thought that came to mind later in the evening as i contemplated the startling revelation from that late afternoon drive. and then a corollary thought to the morning's reflection came to me, "what does it mean when you don't miss someone that you do really, really know?" is this living proof of the veracity of the saying that familiarity breeds contempt? or is it really just the final confirmation that i needed that my going back to michael, my being with michael was an unfortunate mistake?

confirmation it may be, but i wish i could shake the feeling that all of the back and forth with michael (which strangely enough feels like i've had three different relationships rather than one continuous one with a couple of breaks) has somehow been wasted time and has even further limited my chances for love and intimate relationship. i'm not even sure that's what i should be wanting from life or if it is, in what ways. i have so many questions and doubts and so few answers or assurances. plus, i still really kinda miss s.r.