untethered

last night i had a moment where this feeling of being disconnected came over me again. this time though it was not as much about being disconnected from people as it was from ideals and beliefs that i have previously held.

i was in the kitchen, microwaving a healthy choice meal, and my mind started wandering to thoughts about how i was feeling in the midst of this holiday season, how different my life is now than this time last year, and what would life look like one year or more hence. with that last point, thoughts and images of what i hoped life would look like, specifically in terms of being in a relationship, started to enter my mind. as they did, i started questioning, "is that what i can really expect for my life? is that even what i really want for my life?" the mere appearance of that line of questioning made me realize that i've lost some of my bearing and connection to a long-held belief about what i believed was important and essential to being happy in life -- having a life partner.

now i've explored that i've been questioning this ideal previously in this blog. i think the revelation last night was more about the fact that i had nothing to replace that long-held desire with. this truly evoked the sense of being cast adrift into unknown territiory, completely uncertain of where i might land and that brought about a deep sadness.

This situation reminds of a scene from the story alice in wonderland that i've used a few times in planning meetings over my professional career. it's a dialogue between alice and the cheshire cat and goes as follows:

"would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?"

"that depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

"i don't much care where," said alice

"then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat

now i've used this as an illustration of the belief that if you have no sense of where you want to go (a goal or desired future state) then it's going to be very difficult to craft a plan to get you there. and i still maintain that belief if only for the reason that it is the foundation of much of my work, and well, promulgating that belief is what keeps me gainfully employed as a planner and strategist. then again, the saying that "life is what happens while we're busy making plans" comes to mind, and i realize that a certain amount of openness to the fact that life is not solely a planned experience is required if we're (i'm) going to be able to maintain any sense of sanity with what comes our (my) way.

so what does this all mean? i'm not really sure i have a clear idea. maybe the sadness is really the sense of mourning that is brought about by any loss in life --  even of an ideal. and the feeling of being untethered is the natural by-product as disconcerting as that is. maybe my concern stems from the fact that in matters of life and love, we are often encouraged to "let your heart be your guide," and that, looking at the somewhat battered and bruised condition of mine these days, i'm not encouraged as to how far i will get if i do.