u-turns

after writing yesterday's blog entry, i kept having one of those nagging feelings that i was somehow missing something. i think what triggered that feeling was the song that i had posted at the end of the entry. it is at its heart a hopeful song about the fact that, though the break-up of a relationship is painful, love can "begin again" with someone new.

this message is consistent with other encouragements that i've gotten from friends and work colleagues. and in all of the cases in which this type of support has been proffered, i've nodded and agreed. at least i've agreed with the intellectual/rational side of me. "after all, no circumstance continues on in the same way indefinitely," i've reasoned. i think it was last night, after hearing that particular song once again, that it occurred to me that while i've "agreed" with the encouragements that this situation would get better, i haven't actually yet "believed" it in my heart.

this recognition naturally triggered a conversation in my mind with one of my internal observer/critics. i've commented before on the internal voice that is often the source of much derision and ridicule. the one i had my interior dialogue with last night is the one that tends to come and pull the missing pieces together, bringing clarity to my befuddled mind. being a spiritual person, i believe that this particular voice is the spirit that god has shared with each of us to provide wisdom, inspiration, and close companionship along life's journey. even with this perspective, i wish i could say that clarity always equals news that sets my mind at ease because it's pretty much an equal probability that  the revelation will bring even more sadness with it.

"why in the world am i having such a difficult time being optimistic that life will get better in this particular situation," i asked myself. "my goodness, it's the third time (still another groan) that i've broken up with michael," i continued exasperated. "it's not as if i haven't been in this exact same space before." this is when the internal observer/critic made a simple point.

"yes, it's true you've been here before. however, each time, you've resolved the issue of the pain of being alone that has resulted from your breaking it off with michael by going back to him. rather than moving forward to see what other opportunities life may have for you, you've repeatedly made u-turns back to the same place you came from to solve the problem." (cue the definition of insanity now).

"no wonder you don't believe that the situation will improve," my observer continued. "you've never experienced that improvement before. and now, with your clear recognition that the bridge back to michael is gone, you know the one solution that you've used to at least bring temporary relief to your heartache is no longer available to you and now you find yourself in completely unfamiliar territory." and that was that. i had my answer.

so remember how i shared that such clarity of perspective has as much chance of bringing sadness as it does to bring relief. yeah, well, i hope you put your money on sadness for the win. i was in a pretty melancholy mood for much of the rest of the evening, resulting in some additional "interesting" thoughts on life as i know it now. i'll save that for tomorrow in an entry that right now i'm thinking will be entitled, "when is it going to be your turn?" until then, stay safe and warm.