moving beyond the zone of blame

there comes a time following a break-up where you just reach the point of getting tired of asking the questions -- why did it end? what did we do wrong? why did things change? why didn't things get better? should i have tried harder? what's wrong with me? i think i'm getting pretty close to that point now.

my sense of my proximity comes from a moment that i had yesterday in which the same type of questions came to mind and my reaction was, "i'm not really sure i care any more about finding the definitive answers. the reality is you're alone, it sucks and you're just going to have to do your best to deal with it (btw, i often go back and forth between first and second person when i think to myself. if you think that's scary, imagine how i feel. i live in this space)."

the reason i think i'm not quite out of the zone is that i do find myself still entertaining some of the "searching for an explanation" questions. i likely never will be rid of them completely. something will remind me of michael and that will prompt at least a question or two of the "what exactly happened" variety. what will lessen is the heartache that right now has been so acutely palpable.

the thing about moving beyond the zone of blame, at least in my case, is while i may be losing one set of questions, other more challenging ones still remain -- what happens next? will i meet someone? how do i meet someone?  can i trust my own judgement in who is right for me?  do i really want to be with someone else? will any new relationship just end in the same way? am i any good at relationships? and on, and on, and on, and on.

questions in of themselves are good things. they mean we want to learn, to avoid the same mistakes, to get better at what we do and who we are. questions are indeed good things. still, answers are even better.