a fool's dream

the weekend is coming to a close and i find myself asking the same questions that i have been asking every weekend for the last few months, "how did i get here and what's to become of my life?" beneath the activity that makes up my daily experiences there seems to be this persistent dissatisfaction with where i am in life and an accompanying mystification of how to make a change.

tomorrow i have my annual physical and will be asking my primary care physician for a referral to a psychotherapist. it's been 20 years since my last time in counseling and i guess i may be overdue for a check-up. the irony is that when i went into therapy previously it was in part to figure out how i could get away from my desire for intimate relationship with men and now i think it will at least in part be about how to fulfill that desire. i can't help but notice that though my emotional state was very similar two decades ago, back then i was hopeful that i could be helped. this time, while i believe seeking professional assistance is the right thing to do, that sense of hopefulness is not nearly as evident.

maybe it's because i'm that much older and to some extent life seems much more indifferent to my hopes and insensitive to whatever needs i believe i have. it makes me a little sad to think about that twentysomething, who, if you asked him what he wanted he would have said to have work that is fulfilling and makes a difference, to be surrounded by supportive and caring friends, and to have someone to love deeply that loved him in the same way. to that twentysomething these all seemed to be such simple wishes. twenty years on to have all present in my life at the same time appears less like simple wishes and more like a fool's dream.