a parent's desire

a few nights ago i was watching a reality tv program throughout which parents were reflecting on their desires for their children. one phrase that seemed to come up over and over is, "most of all i just want them to be happy." more often than not this was stated as the conclusion of a discourse on what the parent would do or choose themselves for the child. it was a declaration that "no matter what i as the parent may choose, i want my child to make the choices that are in her/his best interest, that will lead to a fulfilling life for her/him." it was the type of selfless declaration that i think is the ideal of good parenting.

now i've heard this statement made by parents in a variety of settings both real and fictional. what was most interesting about this particular time is the realization that came to me that i never had heard my own parent utter these words about me. and the more i thought about it, the more i recognized how unlikely it would have been or ever would be for my mother to make this statement about my life. now don't get me wrong, i very much believe that my mother would like me to have a happy life. it's just that the "happy life" needs to fit within her definition of how she thinks i should be living my life and what she believes should make me happy.

when i think about the many different ways i've varied from the course that she would have set for my life had she been in control of the wheel (rather than a persistent backseat driver), the picture i see is a life that is very, very different than the one i am now living. given my current struggles, i'm tempted to think that i haven't done such a great job in guiding myself toward that satisfying life and that maybe i should have followed her plan rather than my own instincts and desires. then again if i look closely at the life my mother would have chosen for me i see a man in a job he doesn't like, in a relationship that is a lie, in a religious and community context that is stifling and condemning, and in a mental and emotional state that makes where i am now look like sheer bliss.

so as much as i would have loved to have the kind of benediction that "i just want him to be happy" would have provided my life's journey, i'm going to just have to do my best to make it through without it. wish me luck.