the bleed

to this point i've been managing to keep the depression and struggle i experience at night and on the weekends separated from my work day. today that's not working and the effects of the weekend are bleeding into the experience of today. it hasn't helped that over the weekend, i was relocated to a smaller office space that right now feels cramped, cluttered, and completely unwelcoming. and this situation plays perfectly into the hand of the voices who have laid claim to my heart and mind.

"no one cares about you and what you need," they snicker, "not here or anywhere else." "you are small and insignificant and no one would miss you if you were gone."

i wish i could go. not to death (as admittedly the voices sometimes whisper) but just away. i envy the people in the frontier days of our country. if you truly wanted to leave and start life completely over again you could. all you needed was the perseverance to move a great distance and you could literally begin anew, even with a different name and life story. There was no need for birth certificates or social security cards to establish one's identity or history. people just took you at your word that you were who you said you were.

the only problem with this fantasy scenario is that one's external environment has only a little to do with the satisfaction one experiences in life. the more significant contributor to that dynamic is the conditon of the interior self and you carry that with you wherever you go.

i imagine today is not going to be an easy one. moving furniture around, hanging pictures, unpacking, and while the voices dance with glee and delight of their recent capture, i keep waiting and hoping to hear a familiar chime that says maybe all is not lost, maybe i matter even a little bit to a certain someone. maybe.