to be heard

it's funny that i wrote about an unanswered question [in last night's blog]. I realized this morning your silence is my answer and it says "not much" and "no" and i am indeed alone. - written by me in a text message earlier today.

as i was contemplating this message upon arriving at work and making a couple pots of coffee for my floor (i'm usually the first one in so i take it upon myself to help get everyone's day started off right), i was reminded of this fundamental need of every human soul (and particularly this human soul). we all have a deep desire to have our voices heard.

the impetus for the text quoted above can be traced back to an instant message that had a question that began this avalanche of emotion. the question was "what does this friendship mean to you?" it is a question that was asked and as of this writing remains unanswered. well, unanswered by the person to whom the question was posed. i (at what now feels  like a foolish and sad moment for myself) answered the question and it broke my heart open wider than i thought possible (and i've been having quite a bit of heartache these days). and then silence.

now by silence, i don't mean lack of conversation. there have been conversations, just nothing about what i asked or what i wrote. and since then (in even more foolishly vulnerable moments) there have been declarations of disappointment and pain on my part. and again silence. [note: when i indicate feeling foolish about these moments, take this mental image into account. imagine seeing someone that you know, walking over to them and reaching out to shake that person's hand. now imagine the person just staring at you with your outstretched hand for minutes. and then that person turns and walks away. how do you feel?]

and at this point, after a few poorly slept nights (since saturday and counting), i realize this is as much if not more about wanting to know what i've shared has been heard and that the other person cares. and it is still about desiring an answer to that one question.

i've often written about feeling isolated, alone and out of place in this world. one reason why is that in the world i want to inhabit people who say they are your friends, who say they care for and about you, those people acknowledge when you are hurting and they make an attempt, even through the fatigue brought by the busyness of life, to be vulnerable and connect with you just as you have done so with them. but most of all they do say, "i hear you. i see you in your pain and i will be with you through it all."

that is the kind of friend i want. that is the kind of friend i try to be. it is the kind of world i want to inhabit, but sadly it feels like that is not this world.