the vastness

the surrounding geography of this place i now call home is pretty impressive. panoramic is a word that comes to mind as one looks over long expanses of land in every direction, and if you're looking west, the expanse climbs into the majestic rocky mountains. such vastness has prompted two reactions in me over the time i've been here.

when i first came here to interview for a job i desperately wanted to have, i was awe-struck by the view. everything seemed so big, and it really made me feel quite small. i was a little unnerved, and as much as i wanted the job and liked the organization, i did question how i was going to feel actually living here.

after accepting the job and i returned to actually live here, i drove cross country to get here. this time as i entered the area, i had a different reaction. rather than being intimidated by the geography, i was inspired by it. i looked into the distance and had this feeling of possibility. i imagine i had tapped into the spirit that drove the pioneers of our country further westward with dreams and hopes of better lives that lay ahead.

on this past sunday, i was driving around still struggling with the emotions that were challenging me and that i have shared over the course of this week. as i turned a corner on the highway, this massive vista opened up before me that swept westward into those same mountains. again i was reminded of the first feeling that i had encountered. i felt small, insignificant. that the struggle i was experiencing mattered to no one.

today i still feel that way. i have been depressed for five months and counting, and i have stopped believing that i will ever get better. i am alone, in pain and still questioning what difference does it make that i am here.

the experiences of the last several days have opened old, deep wounds, and, as has happened many times before, i can feel the metaphorical bleed draining me of every feeling of life. it is difficult to face a day so filled with activities in which you are expected to be a leader, a visionary, a motivator when you feel like all you really want to do is disappear.

strangely enough, my new office faces westward and though i arrived here this morning in darkness, the sun is rising and through my windows i am beginning again to see the mountains in the distance. i have to admit i'm debating whether or not i should close the blinds. because frankly, there is no sense of hope or inspiration coming to me from that sight today.