feeling better-ish

i've long maintained that in most friendships there is no difficulty that can't be resolved through an open and focused conversation. such was the case last evening with my friend sean (formerly known in this blog as "s.r." i felt he deserved an upgrade) and me. the challenge, as mentioned in yesterday's entry, has always been timing, as in actually finding the time to have that focused conversation. differences in time zones and life patterns have made it difficult to actually have us both on the computer at the same time for an extended period. translation: place the blame on sean (i kid, mostly).

in all fairness, sean actually has a life. he has both a busy job and relationships to attend to outside of work. i, on the other hand, have a pseudo-life with just the busy job which has left my after work hours open and available. i must admit though that i wonder if there isn't also a bit of attention deficit disorder going on with him, but that's a topic for another time.

all of this stated to share that we indeed did have the "talk" (it being virtual) that we needed to and i feel that our friendship has moved to a new, even better place as a result (though i still haven't gotten a specific commitment for a meet up sometime in the foreseeable future yet. remember sean, you owe me an answer to a compound question).

one of the interesting dynamics that exists when you have an immediate problem is that you can start to focus on that one issue as the cause of distress in your life when it really is only the symptom. such was the case here. there is no denying that the pain and angst i experienced regarding the questions i had about sean and my friendship were significant and troubling; but the actual issue, if you will, has been that i have felt alone and isolated and without love for a good amount of time now, time that extends to even before michael and i broke up. and as you delve even deeper, you see that i feel this circumstance is not just being without love, it is also a feeling of being unloved -- a condition that i believe has been brought about by there being something deeply wrong with me. as long as i'm in this mental space, i find it literally impossible to believe that my circumstances will change and that life will get better.

i've thought about therapy, and, at least at this juncture, my heart is not in it. the primary reason is i've gone that route, and while helpful at that time, i feel that it is not the solution for this season of life. so what is the solution? well, i know this might seem silly, but for whatever reason, i feel that i need "life" to show me that i am wrong about how i feel about myself and my prospects for love and meaning in my life. maybe it's my scientific training (i was a biochemistry major in undergrad), but i feel like i need empirical evidence to change how i see and feel about myself and the world around me. feeling this way is probably due to the fact that i feel it is that same kind of evidence (the experiences with my father and mother, disappointments in other friendships, career struggles, the dissolution of my marriage to michael, among other things) that has led me to the perspectives i have now that life just does not seem to want to work out for me (that last statement just made me realize why i cry during the movie "the polar express" every time i watch the scene where billy, the poor boy from the other side of the tracks, says something to the effect of "christmas just doesn't work out for me.")

sean said last night that i shouldn't expect perfection from life. i truly don't believe that i'm looking for perfection. but pretty damned good. well, that would be nice.