the slow march

if you have read yesterday's blog entry then you have a pretty good idea how my days have started off of late. today was a similar beginning, but it was accompanied by an additional heaviness of heart that i noticed does not usually manifest during the course of the work week. i wondered to myself why i was experiencing this added sense of foreboding along with my general lack of enthusiasm for moving into life.

i began mentally to check through what i knew was my agenda for the day to see if i could uncover the reason for this additional burdensome feeling. yes, it was a packed day. yes, i had a couple of meetings with different colleagues that had the potential for being somewhat confrontational and contentious, but as i pondered more, i knew the activities of the day were not the root cause for my feeling. then it dawned on me, "of course, today is friday."

now for most people, a friday is a good thing with its portents of fun, relaxing times in the weekend to come. at the very minimum, for many folks, just the idea of not being in what is often a busy, or challenging or maybe even soul depleting work environment for a couple of days is reason enough to be excited that it's friday. for many folks this is indeed the case, but not for this folk.

for me, friday marks the beginning of a slow march into and through a desert of sadness and loneliness. i may find a few activities to occupy my time, but most of my hours are spent thinking about the state of my life and my dissatisfaction with said state. it gets to a certain point that each passing minute seems to be excruciating mental torture. at times, i begin to question my sanity and my resolve to continue to push through the emotions.

if you've read this blog for an any appreciable amount of time, you know that i struggle with the demons of self-doubt and self-recrimination (not a good pair at all. i wonder if they're twins?). and it is on the weekends that these demons come out to "play" in full force. unfortunately for me, they don't ever seem to take a day off and the weeknights often find them sitting by my side, providing commentary on my sad state of affairs, which they work to convince are entirely my fault and exactly what i deserve.

if you're a newcomer to this space, then you should know that the results of this struggle are well documented throughout this online journal. i encourage you to go back through the various entries, but only if you have a strong stomach. it won't take you long to find the spaces where the emotional devastation is recounted in explicit detail (that is, when i have had the fortitude to do so. sometimes there's just the electronic equivalent to scratchings on a cave wall so ennervated am i by the experience). who knows, you may (or likely will) find some commentary that will make you feel that your life isn't half so bad by comparison.

people keep telling me that this too shall pass and better days are ahead. that's certainly not how i feel as i enter into yet another weekend.