it's kind of funny (in that tragic sort of way) the spontaneous chain reaction that takes place inside my heart. i get a note from michael. the contents cause fresh hurt and pain to surface. my mood begins to darken.
i send a "have a good day text" to s.r. i finish it and the thoughts immediately begin to come again, "why are you doing this? why are you involving yourself with this guy? it can only lead to more hurt."
and then i feel it -- the desire to erect a structure around my heart and seal myself off from men -- not just any men, but from those who have a place in my heart. they shift in my eyes from being allies to underground guerrillas who have the potential, from their inside position, to unleash damage and destruction on my soul. and so, for me to be truly safe, my instincts tell me to push them away and out of my heart. once done i can then wall myself off and be safe from sadness and heartache.
i think this is what they call having issues.
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marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998
ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.
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