and that reminds me

another therapy session today. no intense display of emotions  this time. no fatalistic opinions expressed. the main focus of discussion was on this perspective of being alone and apart from the general flow of life that i expressed in this blog entry earlier in the week.

while no tears may have been shed, i did leave with a subdued mood. that feeling has persisted into this evening. i would say that the primary source of the sadness i'm feeling is a recollection that happened at about the midpoint of my session. i was sharing that my feeling of being an outsider made me question the possibility of ever connecting with someone and establishing the fulfilling relationship that i desire. as i was talking, i was reminded of the fact that michael never really understood me (this is not just my view; michael himself had shared this with me a few times during the course of our relationship).

as i shared this fact with dr. s, it then occurred to me that the very relationship that i had looked to for love, care and a sense of belonging was actually reinforcing the belief that no one would ever "get me" and that i would likely always feel alone even if i were actually in the midst of a relationship. this was not exactly the best kind of reminder to have come to mind, and as i've shared, it pretty much colored the rest of my day in a murky shade of grey. and when i think of how quickly michael has found a new relationship, it seems to just emphasize even more that i was the one that was the issue in the relationship. i was the one that didn't belong and wasn't able to be loved. and with that thought the grey fades to black.

so now i spend a quiet, lonely night. soon i will climb into my bed and likely yearn for a touch, a caress, a gentle whisper of love, a sense that i have someone that i matter to and someone who matters to me. i continue to wonder why this seems to be too much for me to ask for from life. i guess there's a reason that there were no tears during therapy today. i think i was reserving them for the evening ahead.