i went for a drive today down to my favorite comics shop, something that is becoming an almost weekly ritual. on the way into the city i was listening to the ew channel on sirius xm where they've been doing a "best of" marathon with segments from their various shows. i was listening to the fun banter of the the hosts from "inside movies" and was just struck with the easy, fun conversation they were having. it was at that moment that i thought, "i have no one in my personal life here to have that kind of interaction with." and the familiar aching and yearning for intimate companionship rippled through my heart.
after i arrived and was walking through the store, grabbing items of interest to take advantage of the great weekend sale they were having, my heart grew heavier and heavier with this reminder of my current state of affairs. a song came over the store pa system at one point, and it reminded me of a friend. i texted him and we had a very brief exchange. it was nice and somehow, as with so many other similar interactions, it just made me want to be with this friend more -- to share a drink, see a movie, laugh over some stories, or just enjoy being in the presence of someone who you feel "gets you."
truth be told, i have become so reliant on email, texts, and instant message chats, i'm at a loss for when the last time i had an actual conversation with another human being outside of work that didn't involve saying thank you to a store clerk or ordering some take out food. my world feels so painfully confined and lifeless.
it's funny the things i think about as i'm doing even the most ordinary of tasks. as i continued to wander through aisle upon aisle of comic books, graphic novels, and related paraphernalia, fill up my little shopping basket with planned purchases, i stopped and stooped down to get a better look at items on a bottom shelf. scanning the various books before me, it hit me how i just have this need to give to people's lives, that for me the joy of relationship is not just what i receive but even more so it's about the opportunity to care, to share, and to give my love to someone else and this is true for family, friends, and significant others alike. i guess that's what's been the most difficult and cruelest part of this past year's experiences. all i want is to have more of these opportunities in my life and life doesn't seem interested in providing them.
now i'm back home, lying in bed in the early afternoon, typing this entry, and wondering if i'm going to be writing this same type of entry this time next year. i guess it's time for a nap.
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