should i be concerned....?

so i'm back home for the next few days with another trip for work in the week ahead. yesterday, on the plane ride back, i was doing some work and listening to my the carpenters playlist on my ipod. i tend to like have familiar music playing in the background as i'm reading. so as i'm perusing a research study on a particular subject we are discussing incorporating in our menu of services in my department, i hear the song i need to be in love come streaming through my earbuds. when karen gets to the chorus and trills, "i know i need to be in love" with that amazingly lush voice of hers, i find myself having a kind of visceral, repulsed gut reaction accompanied by the thought, "well i'm not sure i "need" to be in love. i don't think it's really love that i'm looking for anymore."

given that this is not the usual response i have to this song, i paused for a second and wondered, "should i be concerned that i'm not looking for love anymore?" upon arrival and standing at baggage claim, i continued my earlier reflection with the thoughts, "and is it that i just don't want a love relationship or do i no longer believe that such a relationship is possible for my life?'

i believe i've shared here before that my interest in having an exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship is pretty much nonexistent at this point. in fact, rather than having a "boyfriend" i'd rather have a "guyfriend" (or two or three) that i hang out with doing things like meeting for coffee, going to a movie or show, catching a bite to eat with some physical intimacy as a part of the menu. no living together, no feeling disappointed because you didn't get flowers on valentine's day, no going to boring events because you have to support your hubby, and no having to put up with unacceptable behavior or treatment because you're "in a relationship."

now, some folks that i know would tell me that what i'm describing comes more from my experience of a relationship and that not all relationships have the "no features" i described above as an intrinsic dynamic. perhaps they are right. i don't really know. what i do know is that when it comes to "love" my heart appears to be closed for business. at the same time, i also know that i am tired of being alone.