i'm not having the best of days today. i woke up feeling a bit off and over the course of the morning that "bit off" has morphed into "not all that great," and i'm concerned where i will be by the time i leave the office today. maybe i should have realized that after thinking through the emotion of yesterday and coming to the conclusion that, "maybe i should just accept that i'm never going to be happy," that this was not exactly going to be a banner day.
so, as grateful as i am for what happened on friday, there is a part of me that feels as if maybe it would have been better if it had not taken place at all if that is all there will be of it. because now i find myself back in that place where i am almost in direct communion with my brokenness. it feels as if my internal self is completely embodying the emotional pain and it's at moments like this that if i could will myself to dissipate into my constituent atoms and just blow away in the wind never to be seen or heard from or thought of again, i probably would.
and yet i know what i really want is not to vanish but to experience more of what happened friday or really what i thought friday was leading to. i had so hoped it would be the beginning of something more. but my past experiences have made me doubt that something good happening in my life is really not possible.
maybe i wasn't so off with my thought earlier today, but i so would love to be proved wrong.
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