not my best day

this was not my best day. i left the office at about noon. the early leaving was precipitated by having just one too many discussions about how fucked up our organization is right now. the problem is not so much that there are organizational problems (every company has a certain level of dysfunction). the issue continues to be that while i am normally an organized, responsible individual, the work is becoming anything but that and yet i'm put in positions where i'm asked to manage the problematic dynamics that have been created by others.

anyway, i left the office, climbed in my car, drove home, walked immediately upstairs to my bedroom, stripped out of all of my clothes, put on my pjs and climbed into bed. i took half of a lorazapem (my new anti-anxiety medicine) and took a nap. now i sit here on my living room sofa, typing out this entry.

when i left i wasn't sure if i was actually ever going back to work. i wasn't sure if i would ever leave this house again or if i did so it would likely be under someone else's power. i have felt so utterly alone in all of this stuff for so long. people tell me it is challenging to deal with me in this state. it feels as if they distance themselves from me as a result (related side note: i got a text greeting from a friend this morning wishing me a happy day. i wrote back that i had just been sitting at my kitchen counter wondering why everything in my life felt so broken. i thought it was a strange juxtaposition. he's yet to respond to my comment). i don't know how to manage any of that.

perhaps if i were well, i would be able to handle all of this, but a read of this blog over the past year plus will show that i am far from well and this brokenness seems incapable of being healed. as i wrote the other day, it feels as if my life is killing me and i am experiencing a slow, unrecognized death. still lost, still alone, still invisible.