today i went to a place i normally go to get some degree of relief from the pressures of life. it's a comic shop that's located in a huge warehouse. normally, it's a pretty quiet place and because of its scale you can walk around and barely encounter a soul.
i went there today having been experiencing a good degree of emotional stress this morning. i was feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the many things that seem to be broken in my life in terms of work and personal relationships as well as dealing with the transition to my new anti-depressant medication. i felt very alone and confused and i thought maybe going to my lcs (local comic shop) would provide some solace.
when i pulled into the parking lot, it was filled with cars, and i could tell that meant there was likely some type of event going on. i ended up guessing correctly that it was one of the auctions they hold on the site on a periodic basis.
as i entered the store, i could tell something was different. much of the shelving space had been shifted around. as i got deeper into the store and started looking around it became apparent quite a bit of the merchandise had been displaced as well, but in such a way that it wasn't clear anymore what material was where or how it was even organized.
i walked around looking for a particular book that had recently come out. try as i might i could not find it. some stuff looked as if it had been just pulled from the shelves at random and put on other shelves. some books were just piled on tops of tables, different publishers and titles were just all mixed in together. it was quite literally a mess.
as i walked from row to row, my level of frustration growing, i would pass groups of people milling around the shop excited about the impending auction. they were looking at the merchandise that would soon go up for bid. Others were congregating in small groups chatting and laughing. and there i was, by myself, lost and confused, desperately just wanting to find the book i was looking for, so i could purchase it and leave. and as i could see and hear people enjoying one another's company, i felt completely invisible and insignificant. i felt like a solitary ghost passing through the racks, as the living, oblivious to my presence, experienced the comfort of companionship and the joy of a shared experience.
i never did find the book for which i was looking and ended up getting a different one. when i was paying for it, the guy at the sales counter turned the book over a few times, seemingly admiring it as perhaps a purchase he would like to make someday. he looked and me and said, "it's funny how i've never noticed that we even had this book in stock." at that moment i felt the book and i had something in common -- both of us unnoticed and unseen by the world around us.
at least the book had now been taken from it's lonely perch and presently has a home where it will be valued and appreciated. i have no idea when or even if i will experience the same.
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