i woke up at 2:30 a.m. today. i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got opened up my laptop to see if i could occupy my mind until hopefully i fell back to sleep. a friend in another country happened to be online, and we chatted for awhile. during that time, my feelings about life and struggle and being unwell poured out of me. at a certain point, he encouraged me to try to sleep and so i did.
i drifted off, and in my mind, i found myself a teenager back in the house in which i spent the largest portion of my life thus far. my mother was telling me to do certain chores as she was preparing to leave for work. i went with her to the front door and as she walked out into a strangely still pitch dark morning, a man i did not know with a backpack marched up to the door as if it was his desired destination. when i asked him who he was and why he was there, he didn't respond. he just stopped on the porch, looked around confused, as if he had been told this was the address at which he should be, and then walked away in search of i don't know what. as he left, i looked around and there were scores of men and boys pouring through the neighborhood all with backpacks and sleeping bags and flashlights or lanterns.
i closed the door, but looked out the side window and saw a man with two small boys marching up to the house in the same purposeful manner the previous visitor had. i opened the door a crack and asked the man why he was there. he looked at me, smirked, and responded, "i don't know. i guess we're just looking for a place to sleep." he then proceeded to attempt to force his way into the house. as i began to feel the door give way and the crack i made widen, i awoke screaming for help.
eventually, i fell back asleep, and within moments, i was back on the campus where i went to university, walking with a person who had the feeling of being an old friend but not the distinction of being any particular person that i've ever known. as we walked past the various residence halls in engaged conversation, we turned a corner and saw a small bear standing on its hind legs. my friend thought it would be fun to yell at the bear. realizing that bears can be dangerous creatures, i grabbed my friend and suggested that we duck into the lobby of the nearest dormitory. just as we did so, the bear came scrambling around the corner in search of us. as it passed, i looked out through the glass doors and saw bears of all types (grizzlies, black, and even polar) ambling around the courtyard. i looked to one side and saw a huge brown bear attacking a man who seemed to have been attempting to capture it.
just as it looked like the bear was going to bite off the man's head, i turned and ran through the main floor of the building, yelling that someone should call for help. as i did so, various people appeared asking what was happening. all i could muster in reply was, "there are bears outside." the reaction was one of a look of horror but little more until i found a man who i assumed to be the residence director and he said he had called campus police and they were sending help.
i went back to the front windows to see what was happening, and as i did so, i saw a red phone on the wall. i knew it was an emergency phone to campus police and so picked it up to find out how soon help would arrive. at the moment the dispatcher came on the line, i looked out and saw tall, muscular men in black pants and black t-shirts rounding up the bears and putting them in cages. from the bright red and yellow striping on the cages, i surmised that the men were roustabouts and that the bears had likely escaped from the circus. as i looked closer, i saw the man that i thought was going to have his head ripped off in the jaws of that big bear, leading that same bear, now muzzled, away to a cage just beyond my sight.
the dispatcher interrupted my focused observation of the scene by asking the reason for my call, which reminded me i had the emergency phone's receiver in my hand. i stated that i had called about the bear situation but everything seemed to be well in hand. she asked for my name and other information, but seeing how i wasn't a student or really wanted to have any more to do with the call, i handed the phone to the first young woman that passed by and asked her to please finish up the conversation with the woman on the phone.
as i went into the lobby to find my friend, who i had not seen since we sought safe shelter, i ran into the residence hall director again. i said it looked like the men outside were handling the situation well and that i was surprised because on first appearance (referring to the initial head almost bitten off scene) i didn't think the guy would be quite this capable. he said that he thought the same, but that "pete" seemed really confident that he would be able to do the job. before i could ask who pete was, i woke up to my stereo alarm playing music from toad the wet sprocket's dulcinea album.
if i had to guess, i would say that the dreams were about my feeling relentlessly under attack by the thoughts and emotions i have been experiencing for so long and wishing someone, anyone would answer my call for help. that would be my guess, however, what i do know is that a disturbed sleep and a troubled mind make for some vivid and tellingly frightening dreams.
oh and here's the song that was playing.
windmills - toad the wet sprocket
No comments:
Post a Comment