overlooked

sometimes i have these moments where the strong emotional response elicited from a particular event speaks more to a deeper pain that i am carrying than to the actual incident itself. i had such a moment today in, of all places, a starbucks.

it started out with the normal routine. i'd ordered a grande cafe mocha and a brownie. when i got to the end of the line, i was handed my brownie and waited patiently (at least at first) for my coffee order. i watched as the female barista moved with maximum efficiency preparing one order after another. as i watched her call out orders that were ready and observed the people retrieving them, i started to notice that not only had the people who were in line before me had had their orders fulfilled, but people not just immediately behind me but those who had just entered the store were also getting their beverage requests completed. i looked on for a few moments more and saw that nothing resembling what i ordered was being prepared and so approached the counter to ask if she had my order. she looked around and responded, "no i'm not seeing it," but politely asked what my order was and proceeded to immediately prepare it.

after she'd given me my drink, i remembered that the cashier had been involved with a fairly lively conversation with the person immediately in front of me in line. it was clear that the customer was a fellow employee stopping in to use his employee discount to get a drink, a snack, and some chat with his co-workers. it occurred to me then that after taking my order i had not seen the guy working the register had not picked up a cup and written my order on it and placed in the queue of orders placed for the barista to fulfill. i gathered that with his focus on his friend, i'd been overlooked in the shuffle.

there was something about this thought of having been forgotten in the light of other activity that hit me pretty hard. as my heart and mood sank deeper and deeper, i wondered what was happening to meet (not that i had been in all that great an emotional space walking into the starbucks in the first place). it didn't take long for me to realize that this particular event was touching on the same painful emotion that my current experience with my friend has been. simply put, whether you call it being overlooked, forgotten or discarded, it all sums up to this feeling that i am not a priority to anyone. there is no one for whom i am of a level of importance that i receive a desired degree of focused attention. i am always at most an after thought and in the case of my friend i am feeling that i am no longer much of a thought at all.

i've shared earlier in the week that i, at one time, had thought (and certainly hoped) there would be more to this particular relationship, but life seems to have other plans and now i must endure the painful process of letting go of that particular desire. i will say now as i did then that it is not easy and i imagine that whenever i think about this particular person now and well into the future there will be some level of pain in my heart that i was not enough (or too problematic) to maintain his interest.

it's interesting that even a simple slight in a starbucks can be a reminder of a circumstance that is rife with so much emotion, so much pain.

i have no idea how many times i've shared this song on this blog, and yet i can't think of another one, with my admittedly limited capacity for immediate recall, that captures the emotion of this entry better. so here's one more time.

tapes - alanis morissette