it's not an easy process to let go of the things we hoped would happen in our lives. whether they be related to long-term goals or experiences in the immediate present, having to give up on what you wanted to come to be is difficult indeed.
i'm in the midst of that process right now and frankly it feels as if its killing me. the thing is i wish it could be as easy as "letting go" like releasing your hold on the string of a helium balloon and watching it float away into the atmosphere high above (and to be honest, i think for some people it is). the reason i think the process is so difficult for me (and i'm sure for many people) is these hopes grow from a place deep in my soul, and the longer they are allowed to have life, the deeper and more strongly embedded they become. like the roots of a tree sinking deep into the earth.
i suspect this dynamic is the reason that throughout the development of relationships of any kind, if i sense any equivocation in commitment, i either implicitly or explicitly provide the other person the option to walk away. and i often contemplate doing the same thing. it's simple really. the longer it goes with my hopes flourishing, the deeper the roots, and the more painful the extrication process will be when what i feared most actually happens and i'm left alone, again.
this is what's happening now in a particular friendship as i've come to realize that our becoming close friends is not meant to be. the distance continues to grow and the engagement has pretty much disappeared. i've given up on the futile attempts that i'd been making to maintain the connection. it just has come to feel that it's not wanted or welcomed anymore. and i don't have the energy to fight against the inevitable.
i recognize that, particularly in my current broken emotional state, that what i may perceive to be happening may not be an accurate reflection of what is really transpiring, but as i've expressed a few times before on this blog, "it may not be true, but it feels like it's true." and the pain of uprooting that hope for this friendship is both excruciating and devastating.
it's funny how i can't quite ever get away from these types of experiences, and try as i might to think otherwise, i can't help but return to the belief that these failures in relationship are all about what is wrong with me. as a result, here's another "repeat flyer" song.
lost in paradise - evanescence
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