a persistent shadow

there is a shadow that is following me. it has to do with my feeling about my work.

this past week i was in a series of meetings out of town with various members of my team (one of the reasons i was not blogging during the week). we discussed and planned for the various projects we are and will be pursuing, and i felt really good about all we accomplished in the time we were together.

as i was in the plane on my return flight, all the good feelings that i had accumulated slowly began to dissipate the closer the plane got to home. it was then that i realized that the shadow of previous disappointments was starting to close in on me, and it is a phenomenon that i have been experiencing with increasing intensity over the course of this weekend.

how i would sum up this feeling is this dread that a "no, you can't" or "no, we won't" or "why would we do that?" or "we need to focus on something else" is just around the corner. this whole year has been about me working hard to create plans and approaches for whatever assignment i've had only for it to be undermined by some conflicting perspectives or some crisis. it is beyond frustrating and certainly no one enjoys a situation when the thought of, "i wonder in what way and for what reason i'm going to be told 'no' this time?" is consistent and persistent.

it's not that anyone is wrong. it's that i feel i'm seeing things from a different perspective than my boss and my colleagues. again, neither is necessarily a better way to approach the work than the other. i just believe that my perspective is about how do we create an organization that is positioned for long-term success and their thinking we need to focus on the here and now and we'll deal with the future things later. the only problem is i've been in the organization for four years and later never comes.

part of me feels that it is time for me to leave where i am now. i believe t's time for me to find a role where i have more authority for both the setting the direction for and the enacting of the work for which i and the teams reporting to me are accountable. yet, those jobs aren't exactly falling at my feet nor are they easy to find.

actually, i would be more inclined to leave if i weren't so concerned that i'm not in the emotional condition to handle a move. uprooting and going to yet another place that i don't know anyone and would have to start over with just everything is not all that appealing. also there is the matter of i'm in the middle of a course of treatment and i don't think it's wise to interrupt that by relocating.

so here i sit. not thrilled about the situation i'm in at work (nor out of it for that matter), but feeling pretty lost about how to change it.

maybe the shadow isn't following me. i think the sun must be at my back because this shadow looms pretty large in front of me, blocking my view of what i keep wanting to believe will be better days to come.

and here's a song that i need to hear. a little encouragement is certainly in order and this song may need to be put in heavy rotation to keep me going.

everybody says don't - barbra streisand