earlier this evening i had an interesting online chat with a friend from another country. he was feeling a bit bummed because his birthday weekend was pretty uneventful (and for this friend, his birthday is a big deal). over the course of the conversation, i started to share the challenges i was experiencing that started with my frustrations with work and then just mushroomed into my dissatisfaction with pretty much every aspect of my life.
at one point my friend said to me, after my sharing that my new medication had seemed to be working some but was not doing as well over this weekend, "i guess it can't be sunshine every day." i replied that i was just looking for one good day. later i volunteered that i haven't had a day of happiness since sometime in 2013 (at least that's the last time i can remember any experience approaching a happy one).
from there the conversation devolved into almost a competition of whose life was worse off. my friend's past couple of years have admittedly been difficult ones with his having lost his job and struggles to find a new one (good news though he has one that starts in february). what's interesting is that i think we each look at the other's lives and see aspects that we envy. for him, it's the fact that i have a well paying job. for me it's that he has a wealth of friendships, men who have expressed interest in dating him, and loving parents.
he is not the first person though that has looked at my having a certain level of material success and wondered how i could be so unhappy with my life. this assessment is something that has both perplexed and, to some degree, annoyed me. i feel it should be noted that my sadness is in large part tied to chronic depression that my experience tells me is as much biological in nature as it is situational. plus, having stuff, while nice, can never replace having loving relationships in your life. as has been said by others, money and possessions can't hold you at night when you're scared and unsure. a nice car will never fill the void of an intimate touch or words of encouragement and affection. and a well paying job is little solace when you spend all of your nights alone, feeling unloved and unwanted (it's even worse when you feel like that job is breaking your heart and spirit).
as i've done many a time, i'll close by leaving a song that speaks to this notion of what really matters in life. as i also shared with my friend, i need something extraordinarily good to happen in my life soon. i don't know what that something is. i do know i will know when it comes and that i'm running out of time.
then i did - rascal flatts
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