i had a strange thought last night as i was getting ready to head up to bed. it's a thought that has been recurring over the last couple of years, but this time, it seemed to have just snuck up on me. maybe what triggered it was thinking about the day ahead and not having much enthusiasm for it. then, in rapid succession, i thought about the next day and the next and then next week and then next month and then through the end of the year and then all the years ahead all with the same reaction. then, the thought came, "i guess i don't really have anything to look forward to in life."
i shared this moment with a friend in an online chat this morning. he shared with me a perspective on life that he's shared with me before, "only you have the power to change that." at first, i responded that at this point i wasn't sure how and that i would have to take his word for it.
as i reflected with him further on what might be underlying my somewhat fatalistic view, an insight came to me that was basically, "what if you've stopped believing that change equals better?" at half a century of life, i've experienced quite a bit of change, and often it was change that i instigated. each time i was the catalyst, it was with the belief (or maybe "hope" would be more fitting) that the change would somehow make my life better. now, as i survey the landscape of my life, i see that, with very, very few exceptions (and at the moment i can't think of any, but i'm giving my life the benefit of the doubt by allowing that there have to be some), each change has just resulted in more hurtful disappointment.
i guess my belief in the power of change for the better while not completely gone is probably severely damaged. i think that fact would explain why i have so little enthusiasm for the various projects for which i am responsible at work. because of the nature of my role, most, if not all, of them have to do with making improvements and changing how we do what we do for the better. while i'm in the midst of that activity and am focused on each task that needs to be completed, i'm pretty much ok; but as soon as i have a moment to look up and think, that's when the fatalism comes back into play. "why am i doing all of this," i ask myself, "why am i working so hard at something that will likely just fall apart somewhere along the way?" and this same perspective ripples through all of the aspects of my life. why try, when all it will mean is a different way to hurt.
and so, at least for the foreseeable future, for me, change does not equal better. it's a shame too because change for the better is exactly what i need.
now for the song of the day. believe it or not, i've actually thought of three that would fit this theme well. all are by the same artist. i'll share them interspersed throughout the day. the first shared now is a cover of an "oldie but goodie" as the saying goes. as always, i hope you all the songs i share today will speak to you in some way.
turn, turn, turn - amy grant
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