i have a long-term habit of waking up to music. at one time it was npr, but there's just so much erudite commentary one can endure that early in the morning, so i shifted my alarm setting to "cd" and have greeted each day with favorite songs by favorite artists. usually, i pick one particular album, and it stays in rotation for several weeks.
my current music selection is jason mraz's yes. it's an album that has been a wake up selection before, and i particularly enjoy it as it has a gentle opening (interestingly enough called rise) that leads into a lovely song that pleasantly arouses one from slumber to begin what, for me at least, tends to be a long day.
as i listened to that first song (titled love someone), the first lyrics jumped out at me. "love is a funny thing, whenever i give it, it comes back to me." i guess the reason why these lyrics are so striking is that they capture what has been a long-held belief of mine - that love is a powerful generative force, creating a continuous feedback loop between both the receiver and the giver. it is a belief though that has been greatly shaken by my friendship with sean.
over the past few weeks, i've found myself having to grapple with the reality that any active relationship with sean is long past, and, his brief reemergence a couple of weeks ago notwithstanding, it is likely that my journey to becoming a memory in his life will be complete very soon.
i've shared before that it is very painful to give love and have no sense that it is making any difference in the life of the person to whom you are providing it or in the quality of your relationship with him. the lack of reciprocity feels like throwing a grain of sand into the ocean. there is likely some impact, but it is so infinitesimal that it seems meaningless.
this burdensome thought, as this blog can most certainly attest, has continued to make itself known periodically over the course of my friendship with sean. this sense that while i have attempted to be a good friend and give love freely, it has little if any significance to his life. i guess this feeling seems most acute now as my ability to believe that things could be otherwise has been greatly diminished by events over the past few months.
my heart is particularly heavy this day. i woke up this way, and i imagine the feeling will persist throughout my remaining waking hours. accepting the truth of a loss of something i greatly valued is hard. having the loss cause me to seriously doubt a central part of my belief system feels especially devastating as i know it will effect my subsequent relationships with men for some time to come. hesitancy to give love and doubts of the resilience of the relationship i sense will be ever present should i attempt any form of significant connection with men in the future.
i'm back in therapy and my therapist asked me recently why i thought it was so difficult to dispel the belief that my relationships with men inevitably will end in loss and heartbreak. i told him it's because i tend to take in the times that it happens as further evidence that supports this perspective.
i suppose then with the slow demise of my friendship with sean, this is a case of one belief system shaken and another one reinforced.
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