disintegration

it's beginning again . . . the slow death of a relationship. i don't know where it will end, but i do know it won't be the same. so much for happily ever after.

hurt

[disclaimer: written under the influence of two ambien at 2:54 a.m.]

I thought I had reached the point where these things didn't happen anymore. No more perceived rejections from the simplest and likely most benign of gestures. No more wounded hearts at cold shoulders turned away to me by virtual strangers. No more self-flagellation and self-pity because I am not more of this or less of that. No regretting the chasm of age that seems to be growing with each moment. But my heart is fragile still and my skin paper thin. And I just want to weep until sweet sleep claims me again.

doubt

I'm back in that place again. That place where all seems dark and bleak. The place where no light seems to penetrate, and I grasp and stumble about through days that seem mostly aimless and pointless. Most of all it is a place where I look around and question much of what I've experienced based on what I see in contrast. I see people doing fulfilling work and I question if I've ever known anything but the silliness, strife and pettiness that seems to be part of my daily endeavors. I see the expression of love of the purest kind, and I wonder if my heart has ever or will ever know the same. I see people embraced for what they contribute to life and can't help but think how I've always felt so marginalized. So much seems broken around me and within me. I do know that I've been to this place before and managed to emerge, I think, stronger and better. But who can say?

breathe

[click on the statements]
how i want to feel about love

how i feel about love

how i fear i'm destined to feel about love -- again

not a good time

what the hell

"All my life I've been good but now, I'm thinking what the hell. All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about, if you love me, if you hate me ...."

So Avril Lavigne's new song is becoming a mantra for me now. I know I'm not in her target demographic, but in this season of life the opening lines of the chorus are really resonating with me. Why? Well at 46, after many years of living to please other people, I'm finally, truly beginning to recognize that that's not working for me. Let's see what happens.

what's next

So, looking at the date of my last entry, it has been quite a bit of time since my last entry. Well, while this space has been empty, life has definitely been moving forward. The biggest news is that Michael (formerly known as "Nigel" -- as mentioned in a previous entry, I'm dropping everyone's pseudonyms, except my own of course) and I have gone through a reconciliation process and are now officially back together. You know enough changes have taken place when you're not exactly sure why you broke up in the first place. Still, one big challenge remains -- distance.

Most days, I think I deal with it better than Michael does. Then I have a day where I question why exactly I'm 800 plus miles away from the man I love. Though I have to admit that, while I may not be in touch with why our relationship ended, I am crystal clear about why I left the Midwest to take up residence here in the East and continue to be grateful for the opportunity that allowed it to happen. In actuality, my dream is not for me to go back but for him to come here.

So why doesn't that happen? Well, it's complicated. Part to do with him (tenure) and part to do with me. For my part the reality is that I'm not sure how much longer I will be here. For a variety of reasons, my boss has indicated that, though she's staying here for the foreseeable future, she's not necessarily planning on staying here forever. Furthermore, the timing of her departure is linked to the timing (due to impending but not as yet announced retirement) of her boss. The good news though is she's indicated that when she leaves, she'd like me to go with her. The tricky part though is that means that setting down roots here can't be part of my plans. Well, at least they can't be so deep that uprooting would cause damage. Hence, I can't ask my partner to give up his tenured faculty position to follow me here just to tell him 2-3 years later, it's time to move on. Though I feel like it resembles it at times, my life is not actually a traveling circus.

So there we have it. Love is back in my life and while it's not so easily accessed, I sure am grateful for the gift.

what's next?

So the last few weeks have been tough ones for me and so many people I know. It seems like there has been an extraordinary amount of passings -- a friend's mother, another friend's father, a colleague's sister-in-law. The title of this blog though is not meant to evoke a gloom and doom perspective however. I am not asking "what's next?" as in "what else terrible can happen" or "what else can go wrong." I truly am asking the open-ended question "what's next" for my life.

I think with Nicholas's death, it feels that my life as it was for the past seven years is really over, and I find myself ill-prepared for knowing exactly what to do next. It's amazing how the loss of a simple routine (wake up -- shower -- get dressed -- walk the dog -- feed the dog -- go to work -- work -- come home from work -- change clothes -- walk the dog -- feed the dog -- visit with the dog/watch TV/read/listen to music -- go to bed -- repeat) can cause a complete disorientation in terms of what to do and how to be in daily life. There is this sense of disruption in which my life as it is now is not connected to what has come before it. Maybe Nicholas was a tether to that old life and his passing has snapped the cord.

Still, if I've learned one thing in life, these "moments of disruption" pass. New patterns of doing and new ways of being emerge slowly but surely and if we're lucky and open we emerge with a little more understanding of what life is all about. So back to my question, "what's next?"