a fulfilled, meaningful life

so yesterday i wrote about my fears about not having the life i desired. it got me thinking of how i would define that "fulfilled, meaningful life" and while many rich, emotion-laden images came to mind the accurate descriptive words did not. well, when my own words fail me, i turn to music. i have two songs. one i've known for quite some time and one is fairly new to me. one is about love and the other is about legacy. one is simple and intimate. the other is big and kind of audacious. these songs don't necessarily say everything that i might want to express of what i hope for, but they certainly capture the essence of what the type of life i desire looks and feels like. 

you'd be so nice to come home to -- pascale lavoie

i was here -- kristin chenoweth

a master plan

you know the type of person that seems to have his/her life all mapped out? it's the person who from an early age knew what they wanted to do in life.  by the time this person was in college, he/she pretty much had the key milestones in life determined and a master plan for how and when he/she was going to reach each one. i'm sure you've run across this person at least once in life. well, i'm not that kind of person. the irony is that i'm a planner by profession, but maybe not really because, like pretty much everything else in my life, i kind of just fell into this work by chance. i wouldn't say i'm the exact opposite of the person i described at the beginning of this entry, but i am pretty far down on the opposite end of the spectrum.

during life i've alternately questioned whether it was good and bad that i was not that kind of person. right now, i'm in the phase where i'm questioning whether it has been good that i have not been that kind of person. an alternative way of stating that would be i'm wondering if i may have royally f*cked up my chances for happiness by not being more focused and deliberate in how i've gone about living.

last night, i was reminded that i am not a young man anymore and that my prospects for love and companionship are dwindling (i should clarify that this was not the intention of the people making the comments; it's just that the conversation reinforced some perspectives i'd been wrestling with when i entered into the discussion). a mood of melancholy persisted through the remainder of the night and has lingered into today. funny that because this morning i came across a message reminding me that i'm supposed to be happy because of the new job. while i would say that i am happy and grateful for the new job, i'm not sure that it has the power to completely transform my view on life.

and it is uncertainty that probably explains why, when it comes to life, i'm not much of a life planner. i really can't say that i have much of a clue of how to go about orchestrating my life, so i just take it as it comes and make it up as i go along. unfortunately, that doesn't seem to stop me from worrying at times that the kind of fulfilled, meaningful life that i want to have may be beyond my grasp. i think it's going to be a tough day.

just cause

i love this song and thought it's a good reminder to have. remember who you really are.

what you want

precious illusions

not sure if i've ever shared this song, but a quick scan through previous posts doesn't indicate that i have. this morning i heard a song that has always resonated deeply within me since the first time i heard it. i'm not exactly sure why, but i have a feeling i'm in particular need of its message for this time in my life. here it is (hope you like it):

precious illusions

days of angst

this is likely to be a short and quite rambling post. i have no specific event, issue, or activity to articulate and dissect save the fact that i find myself in a general state of angst and well discombobulation. i know the things i should be doing, and i am slowly but surely managing my way through the list, but i still feel that somehow i'm not doing enough or the right stuff. i'm also feeling like life is very murky now, so i don't think i'm entirely sure what all comprises "the right stuff." 

for example, i've never been in a situation at work where i have been so much of a lame duck. the new boss is scheduling meetings with my peers in which i am not included. in part that makes sense as they are focused on the future, and i am part of the past. still, after having spending 8 months feeling insignificant in my role, i suppose i'd hoped i would go out with a sense of greater relevance to the work at hand not less. likely it was a foolish hope, but it was there none the less. actually, something similar happened when i left my previous job. instead of being engaged for any parting insights and wisdom about the future direction of the organization, i was asked to help rewrite a paper done by our summer interns and to facilitate some meeting. so i guess that's the general theme when people know you're leaving. still, i see the beginning of changes in how we operate even now start to take form, and i feel an uneasiness about what will take place and the affects on those that i leave behind.

then there are the issues of relocating. i've been waiting for information about how that process will take place and have only today received assurances that the information will be forthcoming in the next day or so. likely plenty of time to get things in order, but i'm a planner by nature. i like to see what's coming well in advance of it's arrival and know my place in what's going to transpire. it's not that ambiguity makes me uncomfortable, it's just that i'd also like to have some sense that there will be eventual clarity and a general time frame for when that clarity will be coming (so i guess i'm ok with ambiguity within limits).

and maybe that last parenthetical comment is the crux of it all. there are no limits yet apparent as to when the ambiguity of my life will become fully clear. major change is just like that. all i can do is just try my best to remain a fully engaged, active participant in the shaping of my own life, knowing (hoping?) that in time the form and substance of what is being shaped will become clearer -- just in time for the next change. 

the cruelty of the subconscious

i had another dream about michael. it's not really surprising as he came up in the midst of conversation in a late night on-line chat. in the dream i was making "my stop in st. louis on the way out west" visit that i'm currently contemplating. it was pleasant and the interaction reminded me of the best days of our relationship. it was clear to me in the dream that i still had strong feelings for him and that i was maybe even a little hopeful that we could try one more time.

as i was looking around the house, i stumbled across pictures of michael with another (much younger and very attractive) man. i don't remember asking about who the guy was, but i do remember michael matter of factly sharing that it was someone with whom he had been involved over the previous months. the pictures were clear in providing the perspective that this was not some casual friendship, yet michael's demeanor was also clear that, even with this romantic involvement, he too was hopeful for another chance at our relationship.

i woke up to the alarm clock blaring headlines from npr with all of these thoughts in the air, and the reality of what is quickly erased the dream-like reverie that i had just been experiencing. it seems almost cruel the way our subconscious pulls out from the recesses of our minds these deep feelings, trots them in front of us in the form of dreams, and then leaves us with the scenes and their apparent meanings to ponder once we awake.

i don't know. it's hard to ponder what's in the head when you're weighed down by the heaviness of the heart. i'm sure there will be this and more to think about on another day. for now i will just trust that what it all means will become clearer as i move forward (not backward) in life.

two weeks

i wondered how long it would take for me to return to my previous melancholic mood post job offer. it appears my time limit is about two weeks for any emotional lift created by the receipt of good news. mind you, i'm still very grateful and very much looking forward to the new job; however, since this good news is also accompanied by a good bit of significant life changes, it is both exciting and a little scary at the same time. plus, it marks really a beginning rather than a fulfillment, so i'm approaching it all with a wait and see attitude.

i think what's also affected my mood is news from various quarters of new relationships in the offing. i had already been experiencing a certain amount of wistfulness regarding my relationship with michael that was only heightened by hearing a voice mail message that he left a few weeks ago, but i just heard for the first time yesterday. add to that hearing about people who have become smitten with another and i guess you have the recipe for a blue mood.

in a previous entry,  i believe i alluded to the  transformative power of love. i miss having that kind of love fully present and tangible in my life. i'm not entirely certain why, but there is nothing like having someone to love and knowing you are loved in return.

sometimes i feel silly admitting how important this particular aspect of living is to me, particularly when life holds no guarantees that i will have this experience again. still, i guess if i don't acknowledge it's importance, it likely would make it that much more difficult for this kind of love relationship to become a reality. or is wanting something so much what made me stay in a dysfunctional relationship for so long? or is wanting something so much what will make me stay in a future relationship even when circumstances aren't so rosy?

so many questions and uncertainties. it's at moments like these that i wish life came with an instruction manual. then again, i'm not always the best at using those anyway.