there was a time . . . ?

there was a time, i'm sure of it, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i recall, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i think, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i believe, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, perhaps, when i felt good about my life.

was there a time when i felt good about my life?

drowning in doubt

it appears i'm going through another period in my life when everything i do, everything about me feels like a complete and utter failure. at every moment, from every quarter of my life the messages seem to come that i am not enough, never have been, never will be. you can fill in the space "not" and "enough" with whatever you wish and it likely will apply to a feeling of inadequacy i've had of late, but here's a sampling of some of the words that come immediately to mind for me: smart, attractive, sane, capable, strong, stable, supportive.... i'm sure there's more but i'm too tired to think go on.

sadly, i've been in this place more than a few times before. i imagine this won't be the last time i'm ever here again. i guess the strangest thing is that when i'm in this place, i can't ever imagine a time that i have not been here or a time that i will move on from it to a better place. i guess that's the very definition of doubt and i'm drowning in it.

not my best day

this was not my best day. i left the office at about noon. the early leaving was precipitated by having just one too many discussions about how fucked up our organization is right now. the problem is not so much that there are organizational problems (every company has a certain level of dysfunction). the issue continues to be that while i am normally an organized, responsible individual, the work is becoming anything but that and yet i'm put in positions where i'm asked to manage the problematic dynamics that have been created by others.

anyway, i left the office, climbed in my car, drove home, walked immediately upstairs to my bedroom, stripped out of all of my clothes, put on my pjs and climbed into bed. i took half of a lorazapem (my new anti-anxiety medicine) and took a nap. now i sit here on my living room sofa, typing out this entry.

when i left i wasn't sure if i was actually ever going back to work. i wasn't sure if i would ever leave this house again or if i did so it would likely be under someone else's power. i have felt so utterly alone in all of this stuff for so long. people tell me it is challenging to deal with me in this state. it feels as if they distance themselves from me as a result (related side note: i got a text greeting from a friend this morning wishing me a happy day. i wrote back that i had just been sitting at my kitchen counter wondering why everything in my life felt so broken. i thought it was a strange juxtaposition. he's yet to respond to my comment). i don't know how to manage any of that.

perhaps if i were well, i would be able to handle all of this, but a read of this blog over the past year plus will show that i am far from well and this brokenness seems incapable of being healed. as i wrote the other day, it feels as if my life is killing me and i am experiencing a slow, unrecognized death. still lost, still alone, still invisible.

moments of late

i've had moments of late where it feels as if my life is killing me, and i'm afraid no one will notice until it's too late.

a hint

i'm coming off a pretty good week. went to a great conference. learned quite a bit. met wonderful people and had great conversations. ate some really wonderful food and the weather was as lovely as spring gets. my new meds seem to be doing a better job at stabilizing my mood. i'm still taking my lumps at work (as experienced as recently as yesterday), but i'm managing to not be completely devastated by what i feel are the seemingly endless setbacks that keep occurring.

today was a pretty good day as well. had some nice online chats. got in a 2 hour nap. watched a fun and vibrant kylie concert video (that descriptor seems almost redundant really). had some of my favorite comfort foods today.

yet, even with all of that, there's a hint of melancholy in the air. and i can tell that it is born of actual sadness about something that continues to be missing from my life rather than from the depression that stems from my ongoing issues with an uncooperative brain chemistry.

what's strange is i was going to write that i miss being in love, but if truth be told, i think the more accurate descriptor is that i miss love period -- that almost palpable feeling that you are deeply cared for and about, that you have a cherished place in people's hearts and a welcomed place in this world. it has been so long since i've experienced this state of being in any real and tangible way that i question if it is something that i miss being present or something that i truly wish to experience for the first time.

i wonder if that questioning arises from the fact that for every affirming experience of love and relationship i've had in my life there are deeper, more painful experiences that i've had that undermine or even almost completely eradicate the positive ones? or is it just that i've not had enough of the positive ones to provide a sense that love is enduring and lasting, that it's not something that will not be present when you need it most or that exists in other people's lives but isn't meant to be for you?

i think about a remark in a speech that i heard amy grant give many years ago. she shared that she felt the love of god is like the ocean. it's the greatest component of our world even if many of us don't see it very often. i hope she's right.

it has at times felt that even the love of god is not available to me and that the love i seek here on earth will be forever beyond my grasp. and if that is indeed the case, then, truly, what am i still doing here?

hmm, maybe it's more than a hint....

a hope articulated

i took a walk yesterday. it was a nice, sunny spring day, and a breaking in my heart compelled me to retreat from my home and into the light and warmth. i grabbed my ipod and sunglasses and picked a recently purchased album to listen to as i ambled my way on my familiar route that i hadn't taken for many months.

during the course of the walk, i heard two songs that really affected me. i am sharing the first tonight and i will share the second hopefully tomorrow (i am not entirely confident where my emotional state will be at that time; i've had a rough couple of months).

when i heard this first song, it immediately reached deep in my soul and set off strong tremors of emotional resonance. in that moment i realized this artist was singing about a redemptive experience that i longed to have. rightly or wrongly it articulated a deep longing that i had in terms of finding a companion, a friend, a lover or whatever it is i'm seeking in this man (or these men) that truthfully my heart aches for more and more each day.

i had hoped that i found it when i met michael, and sadly over time i learned that i had not -- far from it really. so much time, so much hurt, moving me even further from this desired experience and increasing my doubt that this kind of love even exists for me.  in fact, i have had many, many  moments since leaving michael that it's felt as if my heart is so shattered that there is no one who can love me enough for me to be whole again.

and then there was this song reminding me that no matter what these dark moments speak to me, i still hope for that love. god help me.

piece by piece - kelly clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I travelled fifteen hundred miles to see you
Begged you to want me, but you didn't want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things and
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the Father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn't free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things and
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm going to put her first and you know
He'll never walk away,
He'll never break her heart
He'll take care of things, he'll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the Father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Piece by piece

Songwriters
GREGORY KURSTIN, KELLY CLARKSON

Read more: Kelly Clarkson - Piece By Piece Lyrics | MetroLyrics

it's finally happened

i'm now too depressed to even write about how depressed i am.