not there yet

so here's a far more recent song about love, redemption and renewal. listening to it several times over the past few weeks has made me realize how far i am from this outcome, particularly when these are the only lyrics from the song that really resonate with me:

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

not a fun time in life right now. not at all.

clean - taylor swift
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a prayer for love

heard this old song earlier today. it both took me back to a simpler time and expressed a current longing. i share both song and lyrics here as another prayer to that limitless source of good, truth, and love, that if you are out there, whoever and wherever you may be, i hope that we find our way to one another soon to find the kind healing, redemptive love that is expressed in this song.

i guess some hopes really do die hard don't they? though i'm feeling as if this particular one is on life support.

everlasting love - andy gibb

I've been here all your life
Watching your crying game
You were the heaven in my lonely world
And he was your sun and your rain
I was losing you before I ever held you tight
Before you ever held me in your arms
And I won't make you blue
And maybe an everlasting love will do

I've got an everlasting love
So tall, so wide, so high
Above the rumble of thunder down below
It's your love I need
It's the only show
And it's you on an everlasting dream
Can take us anywhere
Are the tears of yesterday
We killed the pain
We blew away the memories of the tears we cried
And an everlasting love will never die

Take me out of the cold, give me what I've hungered for
If it's the pleasure of taking my heart that you need
Then it only makes me love you more
I was yours before the stars were born
And you were mine
I could have saved you all the pain you knew
And I won't make you cry
And maybe an everlasting love can try

I've got an everlasting love
So tall, so wide, so high
Above the rumble of thunder down below
It's your love I need
It's the only show
And it's you on an everlasting dream
Can take us anywhere
Are the tears of yesterday
We killed the pain
We blew away the memories of the tears we cried
And an everlasting love will never die
(repeat)



Read more: Andy Gibb - An Everlasting Love Lyrics | MetroLyrics

a dedication

to kenny, greg, bobby, o.c., doug p., jay, doug f., michal, boyce, david, stan, brian, mark, marc, joe, michael, tod, rick, chris, patrick, trey, sean, s.d., nick, paul, those whose names i've unfortunately forgotten, and those who may be yet to come,

friends all, collective crushes (soft, hard, or excruciating), a love i knew and lost, loves i wished i could have known but didn't,

my lonely and breaking heart salutes you . . . .

ghost - the indigo girls

my failures

earlier today i was standing in my kitchen sipping on my first cup of morning coffee when what i can only describe as the full magnitude of my failure in my relationship with michael came crashing down on me with a force that literally caused my knees to buckle. it's funny how such moments often start with the simplest of thoughts.

in this case, even earlier in the morning, a friend and i had been chatting online and the topic of summer vacations came up. he shared that he had one coming up but didn't know much about it. the reason for his lack to knowledge was that his girlfriend was planning something and the details were a secret. "that should be nice," i found myself responding and then inquired about the timing and duration. the conversation pretty much ended soon thereafter as we both needed to get ready for our respective days. hasty goodbyes were exchanged and off we went.

fast forward to the knee buckling moment or rather what immediately preceded it. as i was pouring my coffee, i just started thinking how nice it would be to have someone plan a getaway. now obviously, what i was really thinking was how nice it would be to be in a relationship with someone who loved me and cared enough for me to want to plan a surprise trip for us. and then i took a sip of the morning brew and the thunderbolt of remembrance and recognition struck. images of the turmoil of my relationship with michael flashed across my mind's eye in rapid succession, following which a wave of deep sorrow swept over, around and through me.

you see it wasn't that i was saddened by the fact that i once had a love like that and had lost it. i didn't have that with michael. well, i didn't, but michael had that from me as i lovingly lavished attention on countless holidays, vacations, birthdays and such for him. what hurt was the recognition that with all my love and care i attempted to give, i had still failed to be able to sustain that relationship. all that i poured into wanting him to know the he was loved by me came to nothing in the end.

lately, i've been struggling with the same feelings about my professional life. i've put countless hours into so many different activities and initiatives, not because i had to but because i loved the work and the people on whose behalf i was doing it. and in like fashion, i question if it will all be for nothing. another failure.

and so it goes with old and recent friendships, my relationships with my mother and extended family, my sense of purpose and meaning in life -- all have this sense of brokenness, failure, and a seeming inability to ever get things right.

as is my fashion, i've found the emotions expressed in this entry are well expressed in an old favorite song. i share it here. and i do wonder, "how long 'til my soul gets it right?"

galileo - indigo girls

returning to a familiar place

listening to the if/then cast recording for the first time in awhile. sharing these songs again because it amazes me how deeply they speak to and resonate with who i am. hope it makes sense, and if not, then at least i hope that you enjoy the music:

who i am

what i've missed

who i hope to find (or find me)

how i hope i will respond if we do

what i hope to realize

who i hope to become

as natural as breathing

if you've ever taken a basic biology course, you're familiar with the systems of the body -- nervous, respiratory, skeletal, circulatory and so on. if you've had further study in the workings of the human body then you likely know that one part of the nervous system is called the autonomic system and that it governs all the bodily functions that don't require conscious thought -- breathing, heart beating, blinking. etc. lately, it feels that another part of my autonomic system is the tendency, as a friend once shared with me, to think of 100 different reasons for any circumstance and to always choose the worst one, particularly as it relates to how i feel about myself. it's funny because it's thoughts about my relationship with this same friend that has brought this unfortunate habit very much to the forefront.

you see it's been several days since my last interaction with this friend. that may not seem so unusual to some but we've developed a routine in which we send at least a hello text on a daily basis. there may be a day or two lapse, but it's been quite some time since we've gone this long without any contact. as a result, unfortunately, my autonomic response has kicked in with the myriad of reasons why.  these reasons range from the logical ["he's busy enjoying his vacation," he's getting much needed rest," "his phone's not working or broken (this has actually happened before)"] to the dire ["he's terribly sick," "he's been in an accident," "his girlfriend broke up with him and he's too depressed to talk"] to the ridiculous ["his gf murdered him," "he's in jail," "he's run off to be a monk (this also has actually happened in my life with another friend but he did at least tell me that was in his plans before doing so)."] and as is also all too often the case, the reasons i keep coming back to and accepting are the ones that have to do with my own failings and shortcomings -- "i've said or done something to offend him," "he can't deal with my depression any longer," "i'm not desirable as a friend," and that good old standby, "when it comes to men in my life, eventually, they just leave, especially those i care for the most."

i think the saddest part of this all is my realization that i no longer have the ability to fight against these thoughts. the events of the past few months joined with the struggles of the past year-plus have left me feeling so broken of heart, mind, and spirit that i just can't sustain a belief that he really wants to continue to be friends with me. for a long time, i felt as if his life was too full for me to have any real part of and that i kept intruding where i didn't really have a place. i got to a good place over time of having some confidence in the relationship. then something happened a few weeks ago that kind of shattered the picture i had of this friendship and i have been struggling (and failing) to put the pieces back together again ever since.

i'm not sure about any of you, but there have been a few periods in my life where everything has felt so broken that i could not conceive of anything being good or right or whole again. i am deep in one of those times right now -- in some ways deeper than i have ever been. it's not just about this particular friendship. there are so many, many other issues, and yet, with this particular friendship, i am now as lost and unclear of what to do or what will happen as i have been about so much of late.

it's really a shame too because i really like this guy and i could certainly use a friend about now.

feeling forgotten

i'm out of town about to start the final day of a three day meeting. it continues to be a strange time in my life. this sense of not having a discernible presence in the world lingers. as each day has passed, it has felt as if i have been forgotten by many i have known.

i've shared many times in this blog that i've  never felt entirely at home or welcomed in this world. now it is a feeling that i am so alien to everything, so isolated, so unknown that if the world were the human body i would expect antibodies to attack me as a result of not recognizing my place as a part of the natural ecosystem.

even worse than feeling forgotten about the world around me is that i am forgetting myself. i am losing the sense of what makes me, well me. what am i doing here? what difference am i supposed to be making in the world? what do i really have to contribute? why do or even would people care about who i am? why would anyone love me?

so many questions and the answers are not coming. they're just not.