my sentiments exactly

i think for me this extends to my keyboard and phone as well.

my stupid mouth - john mayer

delayed but seemingly inevitable

when i decided to extend the recent holiday weekend, i facetiously shared with a few friends that it was to hold off what i felt like was an oncoming nervous breakdown. now i'm back at work and sitting a mere 30 minutes or so in my office, going through the 150 or so emails in my inbox, it feels that unless some significant intervention takes place soon, the breakdown may have been delayed somewhat but ot definitely feels like it's coming is inevitable.

i had a hint of concern that this might be the case as i got prepared for work in an almost robotic like fashion. i'd had an unfortunate night of self-created drama (the outcome of which i'm still uncertain) and as i sent some apologetic notes, got dressed, had breakfast, and got my things packed and ready to come in to the office, i could tell that there was really no life in me. and such is the case as i write this note now. there is very little interest in my agenda for the day or beyond and any passion that once burned brightly are now just dark and cold ashes.

i am fortunate that i have only two meetings today. i will due my best to engage and feign interest when there is really none. i have a dental appointment later this afternoon which will allow me to leave work a bit early, following which i imagine i will go home, disrobe, and climb into bed. the same routine that i have been doing for a couple of months now.

the encounter last night has left me feeling that i contribute very little value (and much burden) to the relationships around me. reading through the emails today and seeing all that has been able to be accomplished in my absence, i am left with the same feeling about my daily work.

no sense of value or purpose. no love or intimate relationship. no seeming connection to the world around me. are these the ingredients for an emotional collapse? or has it happened already and i'm just now realizing it?

the sharing of this song may seem a bit incongruous with the rest of this entry. i share it not because it is true. i share it because i desperately need it to be true because i know i can't keep living like this.

something's coming - barbra streisand

through a crack

i fell asleep for a second
i was dreaming about how easy it is to just slip through the cracks of life
to be forgotten
i think i have been
it's ok; i want to forget me too

another small dagger

yesterday, i was shopping at the local ikea, looking for various items to help me in my (mostly) annual spring cleaning ritual. as i was rounding the corner to move from lighting to home organization, i happened to glance over at a wall, and there, painted in big white letters, was a "cheerful" little saying -- "designing for happy moments together."

i looked around me at the many groupings of people milling through the store -- couples of every variety, families, friends -- and i realized that, by and large, that painted commentary was likely true for much of the assembled clientele that day. yes, true for them but not for me. in my life, there are no happy moments anywhere on my horizon and there is certainly no other with whom to be designing them together in view.

and there we had it. in the middle of a store that has become a favorite destination for home shoppers on a budget far and wide, another small dagger hurled into my heart. fortunately for it there are several others nestled there already to keep it company.

collapse

i woke up this morning with one simple thought, "i just can't anymore."

from broken to shattered

this past weekend i was stumbling around in the kitchen, attempting to pull together some reasonable facsimile of a meal. as i reached for something across the counter, i knocked a small drinking glass off and tumbling down to the wood floor below it went. it hit hard and shattered into more pieces than i thought possible -- shards and slivers of glass spread a great distance across my kitchen floor.

for many months i've described my spirit as feeling broken. this week and definitely in the past couple of day i've been in an overall state that has felt much more like that drinking glass. broken implies something that has come apart in a few places but the general form is still intact and it's fairly clear how to repair it if you had some form of adhesive or connector. shattered, on the other hand, indicates that the object has been so thoroughly damaged that it is almost impossible to discern what the object even was let alone have any clue as to how to restore it.

there is this feeling of deep hopelessness that accompanies being in this state. no idea where to begin to get well. a feeling that restoration to any semblance of wholeness is not even probably let alone possible. better to just do with it what i did with the glass and sweep it up and put it in the trash.

is that what is happening to me? maybe people have examined the wreckage and thought there is no hope for salvation here, no value to be created. better to just avoid the debris, so one doesn't get affected in any way. hopefully someone will come along soon and remove this mess so the world can move forward with more important concerns.

how am i doing? i'm not sure it matters much at this point.

the invisible illness

the worst and most insidiously damaging part about having depression as a chronic illness is the almost invisible nature of it. unlike a broken limb or some other disfiguring ailment, the depression sufferer has very few visible manifestations. unlike the person who has had a loss of a loved one or a setback in a job or relationship, those of us who deal with this condition find the experience very solitary.

if i can judge fairly by my own experience, there is not much support and even less understanding to be garnered from friends, family, work colleagues or acquaintances. those who care and that you even dare let know (because mental illness can be seen as a sign of weakness and inability to fulfill one's responsibilities), try but are often at a loss as to what to say and tend to worry more about saying the wrong thing. there are also the inevitable admonitions of "cheer up," "just try to think positively" or "don't be so negative about everything" that are expressed. and again in my case, though i know not meant by the encourager, in my hurt i hear that the state i am in is my fault, that i am not trying hard enough, that i'm not finding the right solutions, that i'm not open to being helped, that i'm doing it all wrong (it's funny, the experience is very similar to what i was experiencing as i was trying to come to terms with being gay).

of late, i have found being in this state is creating the perception that people do not want to be around or engage me to any great degree. it's caused me both to hunger for connection and comfort and to retreat from contact for fear i will be rejected and reminded that i am broken, difficult to understand or relate to, and really not worth the effort given the challenges that others face in their daily lives.

it's been almost two years since this latest incarnation of depressive episodes have appeared, much of it without any type of break. in the midst of this, i've done my best to push forward at work and in my personal life. as is my habit with work, i've pushed myself to a point past exhaustion with very little sense of accomplishment and even less positive reinforcement. and personally, i am alone and isolated from any substantive experiences of love, support or encouragement. and through all these many days, weeks and months, the pain has remained locked inside of me hidden to those in my daily life behind an unfeeling smile and a false air of positivity. and i die a little more each day.

but now i'm at the point where i cannot put off checking in with my medical care provider and share that little progress has been made since we last met almost a year ago. i am fearful of his reaction given the last time he wanted me to consider inpatient treatment for my condition and had even indicated that it might not be my decision to make. if such a thing were to occur i see that as being the end of all that i have accomplished professionally. there would be no coming back from something like that to a role with the level of accountability that i have let alone gaining even more.

all i have ever wanted in life is to love and be loved and to make a positive difference in the world. i have not felt much of a sense of the former in quite some time and now it feels as if the ability to accomplish the latter will soon be stripped from me as well. if my life does not have the two vital elements that i've hoped for then what do i have? what is my life?