you know you're having a bad day when . . .

you wake up and you feel like such an emotional wreck that you think that you should stay home from work (but then again that's every day), but you decide to be strong and go in anyway. you get there and the level you normally park on in the garage is full, and as you leave, you inexplicably find yourself hitting a yellow pylon dead on. the pylon emerges unscathed, but you look at the front end of your expensive import luxury car and there's this nice dent and yellow scraping on the previously pristine black paint.

you park somewhere else, get out, walk three steps and realize work is not going to happen. you get back in your car and drive home.

you get home, put your stuff down and start tearing up. you text your friend about what happens -- a friend with whom you have this somewhat complicated relationship, have not been in the amount of contact you would like to be with him at this time (well, or ever in the history of the relationship) and are currently struggling to understand what exactly you're supposed to expect and rely on from him. you hit send and then it hits you that what you want is comfort and you're not even sure if this is the person who you should even look to for that and then the hit goes even deeper when you recognize all you want is a hug and you literally have no one to provide it for you. you cry some more.

you contact the insurance company. you contact your service dealer about repairs. you sit around waiting for return phone calls. you stare at the walls a lot.

you go online to chat. you feel more and more alone.

you type this blog entry. you wonder if life is ever going to get any better. you wonder if anyone will ever find you so lost and alone. your heart answers you back "no" and "no."

you wish you could just disappear.

'cause it really already does

this summer's gonna hurt like a motherfucker - maroon 5

and the choice is . . . .

yesterday, i was ambling around the music dvd section of my local barnes and noble and came across this collection of videos by madonna -- 47 in all. i checked to see if my favorites were on it and decided, "why not" and bought it.

i've spent the afternoon watching them (i'm on number 30 as i type this -- it's "ray of light"). part of this time, i was in the midst of an online chat with a friend who is more than a bit of a madge fan (as an example he was pretty much able to rattle off which videos were selected in order). at a certain point in our conversation, it occurred to me, given my recent penchant for selecting what i've come to call the "blog song of the day," i asked him which video he would vote for me to select for today's honor. i already had a particular one in mind and his vote turned out to be the exact same as where i was leaning.

not only is it visually arresting, the mood of the video very closely mirrors my own. the one interesting thing is i don't feel as if i have much heart left to open.

frozen - madonna

swallowed whole

last night it felt as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. my soul, cut off from all light and sound and signs of life, feels as if it's been suffocating ever since. more silent screams echo into what feels like an uncaring universe.

this is not new. it is a repeat of a phenomenon that has been occurring consistently for almost two years now. it strikes particularly hard and viciously on weekends. and two phrases repeat over and over and over again in my mind -- "no one hears me" and "no one ever comes to find me."

in the past, i have tried to fight for hope and belief in a better day. that fighting doesn't happen as much anymore. instead, when i feel the earth shift and the ground give way, i just let the emotional collapse carry me down.

i try to stay away from sharp objects and open windows. i might take a pill that numbs the pain but doesn't take away the despair and emptiness. and i wait.

eventually, i will resurface. i will feel a bit better. i will not feel well or whole or certainly not happy. and i crawl through life. and i wait.

for the cycle to begin again.

hey sr, it's ya birthday!

now for something a little different. have a great one man!

it's ya birthday (the official birthday anthem) - dj spinoff ft. ayo breeze and cheffboy

more wisdom from mr. taylor

new hymn - james taylor

source of all we hope or dread, sheepdog, jackal, rattler, swan.
we hunt your face and long to trust that your hid mouth will say again
let there be light, a clear new day.
but when we thirst in this dry night,
we drink from hot wells poisoned with the blood of children.
and when we strain to hear a steady homing beam,
our ears are balked by stifled moans
and howls of desolation from the throats of sisters, brother, wild men,
clawing at the gates for bread.

even our own feeble hands aim to seize the crown you wear
and work our private havoc through the known and unknown lands of space.

absolute in flame beyond us, seed and source of Dark and Day,
maker whom we beg to be our mother father comrade mate.

till our few atoms blow to dust or form again in wiser lives
or find your face and hear our name in your calm voice the end of night if dark may end.
wellspring gold of dark and day, be here, be now.

amen

all these things

a prayer.

a lament.

a beautiful image.

a wistful thought.

a longing expressed.

a breaking heart,

and tears are shed.

the water is wide - james taylor