for simplicity's sake

a month or so back, i wrote an entry about how i'd come to dread the everyday inquiry of "how are you?" today, during a long, just completed walk, i came up with a simple, if somewhat inelegant response. when asked that question in personal inquiries on my current condition, i will respond, "pretty much the same." if that is my response than people will know that:

i am still gripped in a deep and pervasive depressive state

my mind still feels irreparably damaged and my heart inconsolably shattered

i wake each morning wondering why i should get out of bed and dreading entering into the day

i endure the activities of work (week) or home (weekend) feeling that my life matters little and that there is no point to my existence

each night i sit in a deafeningly quiet house and proceed through the rest of the evening feeling alone, unwanted, uncared about and unloved

and i go to bed each night attempting to convince myself that i do want to wake up to another day and that i don't want to actively do anything that would prevent that from occurring

the only drawback to my plan is since it seems that no one i know comes by this space unsolicited, it is unlikely that when i use this particular phrase anyone will know exactly to what i'm referring. i'm not sure that matters much. i will know of course. after all, it's been my life for quite a long time now.

p.s. for those with whom i work (none of whom read this blog), when i give the response, "hanging in there," it pretty much means the same thing.

a longing unfulfilled

continuing the theme for the last entry is the song i'm posting for today. what is key with both songs is they speak to this longing to know and be fully known by someone and loved completely for who you are.

it is a longing that i think has existed in me for pretty much all of my life. it is a longing yet to be fulfilled. the significant difference in this phase of my life is that i have started to believe it never will be.

underneath - adam lambert

smiling big on the outside, dying on the inside

come into my world - amy grant

Come into my world
Come crashing through the ceiling
And find the messy rooms, the scattered pearls
If you are brave enough then come into my world

Come into my world
So lovely from the outside
So dark in here the demons dance and twirl
And find their pleasure frightening this girl
If you are brave then come into my world

[Chorus:]
Cause I never saw the changes come
Or knew enough to run when this old house had come undone
And now I'm buried in the walls
And no one comes to call but you
Come into my world

Come into my world
I can not find the doorway
It's overgrown with vines that twist and curl
If you are brave then come into my world

Come into my world
There'll be no other invitation
Not another sound another word
Nothing more than you've already heard
Please be brave and come into my world

[Chorus]

is it like this for everyone?

this morning i woke up, laid in bed for several moments, got up and headed downstairs to have a little breakfast. as i do pretty much every morning, i started by making some coffee. when i got to the refrigerator to get some creamer, i stopped and thought, "what am i doing? what is my life about anyway? am i ever going to feel my life has any purpose or meaning again?" i then got the creamer, checked in the freezer to see if i had any frozen waffles (i didn't), finished preparing my coffee (creamer, two splenda), sat down at my kitchen island, opened my laptop, checked some emails, and then started this entry. to paraphrase the opening of the movie american beauty, why do i feel as if this will be the high point of my day?

an afternoon emotional crisis

this has not been the best day for me. i had this moment where i was just sitting about to engage in an online chat and all of a sudden these thoughts of all the things that i perceive are so wrong with my life came flooding into my consciousness seemingly all at once. it was pretty overwhelming as with each issue there seemed to be no resolution in sight. each problem that came to mind seemed more intractable than the next.

it all came to a head with the single heart-stopping, blood-chilling thought of "oh my god, what is going to happen to my life?" the question was entirely rhetorical as again there was no apparent solution in sight. no solution but the prevailing thought was that my prospects did not seem good for anything to get better anytime soon (in fact, there really was no belief that anything would ever get better).

i don't like feeling like this. i really don't. part of me recognized that the depth of the emotional pain was as much about my brain chemistry again being out of balance as it was due to any true evaluation of my life circumstances. and yet, life does not look at all good at this point.

i had planned on posting this song this evening prior to my afternoon crisis of faith in a better future. it's a song that is on the same album as the one i posted earlier today. with respect to my life, it doesn't speak to anyone in particular but at the same time the resulting impact of the relationship loss perfectly captures what i've been experiencing for over a year (getting closer to two). certainly, the lyric "i don't give fuck if the sun comes up" is a feeling with which i am intimately familiar; and sadly it feels as if we will be keeping close company for quite some time to come.

another lonely night - adam lambert

simply put

a pretty apt description of how i feel at this moment in time.

ghost town - adam lambert

Died last night in my dreams
Walking the streets
Of some old ghost town
I tried to believe
In God and James Dean
But Hollywood sold out

Saw all of the saints
Lock up the gates
I could not enter
Walked into the flames
Called out your name
But there was no answer

And now I know my heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town

Died last night in my dreams
All the machines
Had been disconnected
Time was thrown at the wind
And all of my friends
Had been disaffected

Now, I'm searching for trust
In a city of rust
A city of vampires
Tonight, Elvis is dead
And everyone's spread
And love is a satire

And now I know my heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town

There's no one left in the world
I'm gunslingin'
Don't give a fuck if I go
Down, down, down
I got a voice in my head that keeps singing
Oh, my heart is a ghost town

My heart is a ghost town
Oh, my heart is a ghost town
(Said, my heart)
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town



Read more: Adam Lambert - Ghost Town Lyrics | MetroLyrics

when you're weary . . . .

and here's the second song about the ideal of having someone be there for you in even the most difficult of times. it's a classic, and to be honest, i can't believe i've never posted it before. let it take you where it will.

bridge over troubled water - simon and garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind